Whatever...I'm no fun anyway

27th B-day reflection....

2011-01-13T14:12:00.002-07:00

So today I turned 27...actually really it will be in like 2 hrs...but same difference - ha

Gotta admit - 27 was a little scary. 25 was bad but 2-mother effin-7!?!? WOW! However, after going over and over all of the things in my life that I was supposed to have done by 27 I realized that I'm where I need, and frankly, WANT to be right now. No matter what I may have changed all of the bad shit that has happened in my life would have still happened. Those life-altering, mind blowing, heart breaking things that have happen...well most of them (or all) have been completely out side of my range of "shit Jesse can control". No matter what Kate would have died, Gramps would have died, BG would have died, Uncle Neil and Josh would have died, I would have still found Sandy and Steven to fuck up my world, I would have struggled with things just like everyone does. So many of the things that have happened I had little control over. So say things went as planned. I went to Rocky right after HS, graduated, went to California for grad/law school...what would that look like for me now? Then I realized all of the things I wouldn't know, the shit that wouldn't have happened, and MOST importantly the people I would have missed out on. Kate left when I was in HS and with her she took a few people. Since HS I have met some of the MOST FABULOUS people in the world. Had I done what I planned I wouldn't know SO many of the wonderful people that fill my little world with so much LOVE and absolute JOY. I might not have reconnect with Martha and Liz. Maybe I wouldn't know Kelly, Denise, Morggan, Jordie, Becky, Shelley, Andrea, and the courthouse ladies...Or Shelly, Rion, Mitchell, and Nick....who knows how close I'd be with Ana and my little babies...And what about Natasha and her family...fuck can't even imagine...weird...fuck I'd be lost without any of these people. I wouldn't be me. I'm sure I would have found people to be with, but who? It definitely wouldn't be these wonderful people. It's seriously disheartening to imagine my life without any of them. Without those people or Kara, Mirandy, Stacy, Ash, Natalie...SO many people. I would trade some experiences for different ones, but ONLY on the condition that I had all of these wonderful, beautiful people in my life...I am so grateful and blessed. There's a Shel Silverstein poem about "what if's" that Kate gave to me when I was little...It's a child asking all of these "what if" questions. I can ask the what if's but they aren't so. What is just is. I am where I am supposed to be. I am so very extraordinarily lucky to have my life and my FAMILY of choice. Thank you for loving me and taking care of me...to thank each and every person who has loved me would take an eternity. To say the words that I feel in my heart would be impossible. This birthday I am feeling so LUCKY and GRATEFUL. I am so very, very blessed to have each and everyone of these people in my life. I am the luckiest girl in the world.

2010...

2010-12-24T09:14:00.002-07:00

So many people are saying that 2010 was horrible for them. While it wasn't the best year I've ever had it's definitely not the worst! This year actually has had some pretty awesome stuff. I survived another year - always a plus ;), I finally decided what I want to be when I grow up (I hope), I got into grad school, and my beautiful niece graduated from high school (and started college and got straight A's for her first semester). Most importantly I kept in touch with old friends and managed to make some new ones. I started the year off with a birthday...and I can't even remember what it looked like except that there was a cake that looked like it was on fire. I'm pretty sure this is the year that I was told that I was a consideration if something happened to a little guys parents of where he may need to go (very flattered Kellie and Denise - thank you for your trust and friendship). I learned this year that it feels better just to make a decision and go for it than to sit and think about it forever (therapist v lawyer - the big debate). I learned that Texas is seriously effin hot in June ;) lol. I learned that my family of choice is never far away (I probably knew that, but it still seems important). I also learned that my family of choice is different than mom's, but that we both would do anything for each others family of choice as well. I learned that I can keep a friend even when I am confronting them with some harsh alternatives. I learned that it is possible to just know that you can trust someone you don't know well. I learned that teenagers are difficult (I knew this too, but I didn't realize how difficult). I realized that it is my own fault that people only see me in a certain way. I realized that I am not comfortable showing my weaknesses to people that I don't trust to take care of my heart. I learned that I CAN show that side to some people and know that they won't screw me over. It's taken me a long time to get back there, but I'm working on it. It's hard to remember that not everyone is going to screw you over in the end sometimes. I've learned that people can be gone for a long time and still come back and love you as much as the last time you saw them. I've learned that I can do well when I try. I've learned that life is hard, but if you surround yourself with the right people they will try to make you laugh until it seems a little less hard and a LOT less lonely. I have learned that some people are REALLY stubborn, but that doesn't EVER stop me from trying (yeah you know it's about you...lol). I've learned that some people just are who they are and there's no use trying to figure them out. Waste.of.time... I've learned that grief is really shitty and screwed up and there is no "right" way to do it AND unfortunately, there is no time frame for when things quit sucking. I've learned that I do not see me the way others see me. I am a lot harder on myself...I am my own harshest critic. I've learned that I'm sometimes seen as "superhuman" because I make choices that would be hard for other people. I know that I am very human...I've just made different less noticeable mistakes. I've realized that professionals have a really high bar that they are expected to rise to and that people often put them so high up that when they do make a mistake everyone panics...even though it's just them being human. I've learned a lot more this year, but the distractions just got me off track so let's get to what I'm grateful for...
I am grateful for my family of choice.
I am grateful for my family of choice...I know I said it twice but I'm super grateful for these people.
I am grateful that grad school introduced me to some seriously awesome people.
I am grateful that I live in a country where men and women voluntarily risk their lives for me everyday...the military, the police dept, the firemen and women, the emt workers, etc
I am grateful that I live in a country where I will (unless they are violating my rights) be allowed to voice my opinion as much and as loudly as I want.
I am grateful that we are making progress in so many areas of our world...from gay rights to disease.
I am grateful that I have a roof over my head, a job, food, family, and my comforts...they are NEVER a guarantee.
I am grateful that I always have someone to turn to in my times of hardship...it's hard to ask for help sometimes but good to know it's always there.
I am grateful for love. All of the love that surrounds me each and everyday.
I am grateful that "my" God has given me the things I've needed most at the times when I have needed them...whether it be a friend on facebook in the middle of the night (Martha and Natasha - thank you both) or a kind stranger to help me when I run out of gas (mom's fault ;) lol).
I am grateful that I am surrounded by lovely, kind, funny, witty, smart, wonderful, awesome, and loving people every.single.day.
I am loved and for THAT I will always be eternally grateful.

Thank you to everyone who has made this year what it was...the good, the bad, the ugly ;) -- No matter what I am GRATEFUL that I got to spend this year with all of you, surrounded by all of your love.

I'm still whiny...and not funny...except I am funny in real life (sometimes)

2010-12-19T19:05:00.002-07:00

I need to write and just don't know where to start. There is no clearer way to understand where my head is than to write it down and read it and try to fix it...often times there is no fix, but that's okay too mostly. I have this fantastic support system that has grown by at least one for sure lately...and she's fabulous even if she doesn't realize it. Trying to scare me off...crazy woman - I'm not easily scared...YEAH NATASHA - looking at you! :)

The quarter is over...I'm about 90% (hah) sure that I actually pulled off straight A's. Which for me is a feat because I am not very in to homework...and there was a LOT from one guy. The other teacher was awesome...although they both forced journaling on us and frankly that wasn't very natural for me. I don't like being TOLD to journal. I do it very occasionally on my blog at my own leisure. If it's forced it sounds and feels forced, but what can ya do? Thankfully the worst is kind of over. I've met some good people, some great ones, and some truly awesome ones. I am grateful to have met each and every one of them. One person in particular...and those of you close to me that I will make sure see this probably know who...that was a professor has taken the time for me. I guess what strikes me most about this person is her (shocker I bonded with another woman who is older than me...I'm sure everyone is so surprised - haha) -- anyway - the thing that strikes me most is the absolute down to earth way she carries herself and the complete compassion that SHINES in her face. I don't trust people with my deep stuff much because I have learned that people feed off the knowing something others don't. They feed off of it and they use it to their advantage. Not all people, but a lot do...especially people my age. Gossip is dangerous. I trust this person and feel "safe" which feels weird for me...I think it maybe feels weird for her that I'm so giddy that she didn't just pull the "hey you were a fun student - good luck - have a nice life - buh bye". She could have and didn't and that makes me happy. She's unknowingly funny. She's already been a hand holder...for HOURS...she told me to "be safe" when I went out. I can't say that I remember the last time someone said that to me. (sorry mom I'm sure you have, but you're mom and I don't listen to you any more than you listen to me) I'll definitely miss laughing with her Mondays -- she made my quarter...there were a couple of people who helped but she truly made it. Another one of the people in my life for whom I would do absolutely anything, that I truly worry about, and that I want to remind all the time how grateful I am and how much they rock. She offered herself as a support without knowing much about me at all...So I think I can safely add her to the list of people to talk to when I'm having a freak out. Except tonight because I feel like everyone is all tapped out with my semi-self-induced drama. I'm tapped out with my own emotional garbage for cryin out loud. It's Christmas. I used to LOVE Christmas. Kate made Christmas a HUGE deal. The house was decked out. It was such a happy time. And now it's just hard. I miss her all of the time. I don't want to, but I do. I'm not sure if I'm just feeling sorry for myself or if it's just the wanting that connection again. I'm so fortunate to have people with whom I am so deeply connected. I'm fortunate that I have people that are so invested in me that they will stay up on facebook with me til all hours, take me to lunch to hash out my stuff, and just hang with me when I need a distraction. I have so many people that make me laugh, but I have only a handful that actually calm me. I feel more grounded and less uptight around them (unless in one particular case they are forcing me into the circle of death - cough, cough). I can see them all in my head. These days unless I am around one of those people or somehow in communication with one of them I feel anxious. It's weird and definitely not me. But the talking and texting and facebooking makes me feel sane. Another thing to be thankful for...temporary sanity! On top of the "Kate stuff" I've had a few other major stresses. I would like for the people directly linked to this to know - they are mostly all solved. Maybe there just isn't enough stress to focus on and now I'm falling back into the weird place. I don't know. I don't care. I want something that isn't going to happen. The Kate stuff will never fall away and it will never not hurt...SUCK...but real. I just have to keep reminding myself to breathe and that I have so many people to help me and to be grateful that they are willing to listen to me. For that I am eternally grateful. Breathe, be grateful, I am loved, it's all good ;)...
XO, J

Good weekend....bad thoughts...

2010-11-08T13:47:00.003-07:00

Well the "family" or part of it went to Chico this weekend...while it was a fun weekend it brought up a lot of "stuff". While bringing up "stuff" wouldn't normally be a problem I'm in school...for social work...where they want us to get in touch with our touchy feelies...I.hate.it.

I know that everyone here needs to be able to deal with their shit, but come on...really? You have to bring that shit up in class?

Whatever, it's not just that...Seasonal depression hits about this time every year. I need a beach, a cocktail and a little friggin sunshine.

Not to mention the drama going on around me. I think I'm one of those people that doesn't have enough drama in her own life so everyone else feels a need to pull me into theirs.

AND what is with everyone's shitty attitudes toward me? I'm trying to fucking help...if you don't want my help - QUIT ASKING ME WHAT TO DO! Don't talk to me about your shit....I'm going to have to go into hibernation mode...SHIT

This post is fragmented because, well, I'm pretty fragmented these days...I want my mama Kate...ugh

one with some words and feelings and shit....

2010-08-09T01:04:00.002-06:00

Inoperable brain tumor...the words flow through my mind. She died 6 years, 2 months, 10 days ago...that is if my math is correct. I was 20. I was just a baby by most adult standards. Just a fledgling wanna be adult waiting to set the world on it's ear. She was smart and beautiful and funny. She loved me. Our relationship was a complicated one. She was my mother's girlfriend. She was my other mom. She was the mommy that would hold me when I cried. She was the one who would sit up on those long nights with the fevers and vomit. She didn't complain about taking on another kid. She did it gracefully. There was a definite difference in how she treated me and how she treated her biological son. He was spoiled and mean. She herself used to refer to him in some pretty un-motherly terms. He treated her like shit. She didn't deserve that, but she would appease him just to keep the peace. It wasn't worth fighting...he was too far gone. With me she would fight tooth and nail until I understood exactly why things needed to be the way she said. She wanted something more for me. Maybe she saw more potential. I will never know. What I do know is that she came to almost everything from the time I was 11. She was at every play, every concert, almost every rodeo...Every parade, every doctor appointment, most orthodontic appointments. She was there for birthday's and Christmas, Easter and 4th of July. She was there for the first dates, the must have clothes, the need to fit in and be cool. She heard about my first period, my first kiss, and what really happened when my brother kept me out too late at my dad's house. She was my compass and the best friend a girl could want. She made sure I was surrounded by strong women, lots of new ideas, and big words. I can't imagine what I would have been without her. I remember driving with her, shopping with her, swimming with her. She was so present in my life...until she wasn't. An "inoperable brain tumor"...what a crock of shit. Now what? How does a kid move on from that? The only person that never left even when they left...and what the fuck anyway? I'd just lost my gramps the year before who was followed swiftly by her sister...this wasn't fair. I had just seen her in August...She'd come home to clean out a storage unit. She'd made sure that she spent an entire day with just me. She had just talked to me in February. Had just emailed in April. It was the end of May. A month of frantically trying to get a hold of her and that phone call came. It was her number, I think, but it was him. Kevin Dean...the guy with 2 first names that took her away. It was her choice and wasn't his fault but the background makes him kind of an ass...He told me "Kate's gone". Mom was there when I lost my cool. I remember crying and not being able to talk and her needing to know what could possibly cause me to react that way. She was devastated too. They say misery loves company but I would do anything for her not to have to feel this way too. I never got the entire story. I tried to via email but he wanted a phone call. I wouldn't call, nope, COULDN'T call. I couldn't have a stranger tell me what happened to my mommy. It wasn't fair. It shouldn't have had to be that way. Years went by and I never knew the entire story. 5 years in fact. And even then I had to search for someone to tell it. I found Martha. She was like an answered prayer. She told me what happened...and the sting that Kate had died here right downtown...right where I could have been there...It all led to more questions and less answers. It's helped some with the closure, but I'm afraid I will always be just a little bit broken. I'll always have that void that no one could possibly fill...where I keep her tucked in and safe. Right where no one can see her and no one can really see me. The feelings, the hole, the wall...they're indescribable and even if they were no one could understand. Her, the hole and the words "inoperable brain tumor"...always there...always waiting.

My Incredible Niece...

2010-06-09T14:12:00.004-06:00

So I haven't been on here to blog much lately...I never do because I have no life and therefore nothing to write about...HOWEVER I was just in Houston, TexasS a couple of weeks ago for the graduation ceremony (in Oklahoma) of one absolutely, positively incredible young woman. That feels weird to type because in my head she's still a little girl that signs her letters "Your Pal, Brittany". My little Brittany Ann graduated from high school.

Here is a short list of a FEW things that make her so incredible (I mean shit people I could go on for days about how amazing my sister and all of her kids are):
1. She's just like her mom (my amazing sister...whom I ADORE)
2. She cares about other people's feelings
3. She loves her Auntie very much -- which also means she has good taste :)
4. She is willing to give up her room, her privacy, her peace and quiet while people are staying with them
5. She was National Honor Society, Valedictorian, and got Beta chords - I'm way more than just a little proud
6. She's smart...like really smart
7. She's good at math
8. She wants to be a Doctor
9. That is after she gets an Engineering Degree
10. She's compassionate
11. She's beautiful (and I'm not just saying so because I'm her Aunt...seriously - kid is gorgeous)
12. She chose moving with her parents and staying together as a family over staying in OK with her friends for her last semester of HS AND she took it VERY VERY well
13. She loves her brother and sister both a lot...and tries to get along with them. I can't say the same for my brother cuz dude's irritatin'
14. She's close with both of her parents
15. She doesn't party even a little and is SO NOT your typical HS student
16. She's never really gotten into trouble
17. She's fun to be around
18. She has wicked wide range tastes in music - much like myself...music sharing anyone!?!
19. She's funny
20. She's my baby niece, my little Brittany and honestly - that is enough

So Brit - I want you to remember...you can do ANYTHING baby girl. You are always enough just the way you are. Don't do anything you aren't ready to do and don't do anything that you aren't ready to deal with ANY consequence that comes out of that action. Don't rely on others to make you happy. Your family is always here. Always. I am just a phone call and a plane ride away should you need me to be there. I am always here to talk no matter what time: day or night. You are an extraordinary young woman and I have NO DOUBT whatsoever that you will be an extraordinary woman for the rest of forever. My very short list doesn't do you a bit of justice...it could be so much longer...but everything there is true. And most of all I love you more than any words can possibly say. You are my little Brittany even though you're not so little anymore (although you are kinda short :P) and you ALWAYS will be, sweet girl.

DUCKFEST!!!!!!!

2010-06-03T08:36:00.007-06:00

Okay so here's the deal. The ever hilarious Daffy over at Batcrap Crazy just lost her sister, Wendy, from complications from a brain tumor. To all of my friends and family who read this blog you know that the brain tumor thing hits close to home. I lost my mommy person (not my mom, but my mommy person...it's complicated and over here). However, I was 20. I understood exactly what was going on...Wendy though, left behind a 5-year-old son named JD. JD's dad is going to be a single father and Daffy wants to make sure there is money for him to go to college. Daffy's good shit ya'll - she makes me laugh (almost) every post. So I am going to make and donate a "tie blanket" to the cause. To find out more about the JD Scholarship fun click on Ms. Daffy up there or go here to CheapSkateMom's blog - or here to That One Mom's Blog - or here to Think Tank Momma or like 100 other places. I will post the links under all of this information...but here's a picture of a blanket LIKE the one I will make:

Some of you might recognize this from a previous fundraiser - this blanket is 2 yd x 2 yd - my 2 nieces and nephew (all teens) have them this size - great for a throw or kid - I can do them in any color (within reason I mean come on people) :) ...the woman who ended up with it loved it...so PLEASE donate! Help in anyway you can...if you can only donate $1 or buy a $1 entry please do it anyway! Every single dollar helps to ensure that this little boy gets to go to college.

Here's Cheapskate Mom's rundown of DUCKFEST in her own words - straight from her site:

What is DUCK FEST?

DUCK FEST is a blog party fundraising event to raise money for the JD Scholarship Fund. It runs June 3 - 8 right here in the blogosphere!

How does DUCK FEST work?

By using the McLinky at the bottom of this page, you are able to visit a number of giveaways to raise money for the JD Scholarship Fund. If you find a giveaway you'd like to enter, beginning June 3, you can click on the donate button on that giveaway and donate money for entries. Each entry is $1.00. If you donate $10.00 you have 10 entries to spend however you want. Please follow the PayPal directions for your donation (be sure to leave your blog url in notes for verification!) To enter, leave a comment for each $1.00 donation on the giveaways of your choice!
On June 9, each hosting blog will select their winners using random.org.

How can I participate?

Do you have a skill or talent you'd like to showcase? Do you rub elbows with PR firms, have advertisers or sponsors that would support the cause? You are more than welcome to host a giveaway at your blog! Do you have product you'd like to donate, but don't have an outlet to run a giveaway? We're happy to host it for you! If you'd like to participate, send an email to me - That One Mom at thatonemom.onlyparentchronicles@gmail.com OR to Tamara at cheapskatemom@live.com.

What if I would just like to donate money and not worry about prizes?

That is perfectly fine! Just click on the donate button in the side bar. All donations go directly to the JD Scholarship Fund!

In the meantime, grab a button and spread the word!! Word of mouth is key to making DUCK FEST a success!

another emotion filled post

2010-05-12T11:02:00.002-06:00

somewhere else today...because no one wants to read my incessant whining all the time

It's HERE if you're interested...

Thanks all!

XO, J

Also Lilu - I'm absolutely serious...swing by Montana in route to Vegas and I'll get you absolutely piss ass drunk :)

LTML - May 6th, 2010

2010-05-06T14:07:00.003-06:00

Dear person who is sitting in the waiting room,
MAKE A FUCKING APPOINTMENT...I HATE HATE HATE when people just "pop in". I don't care that you've called 5000 times (and yes it is annoying when you do that). Make a fucking appointment and she'll talk to you, otherwise, your mostly shit out of fucking luck! YOU are NOT the center of our universe!
Argh,
Pissed of Assistant

Dear Boss,
Are you trying to get me to quit? I mean seriously? Also, quit doing your own fucking scheduling - you SUCK at it. Seriously.
XO,
I wish the grad school would accept me already

Dear Grad School,
HELP! I'm drowning! You are my out! Just please accept me. I REALLY REALLY want to go to your school. I really want to be a social worker who goes into private practice. I love you all - you are awesome! I can't wait!
Love,
The girl who hopes that kissing your ass even karmicly (new word - yay) speaking works

Dear Montana weather,
I.hate.you. seriously. this is not longer love-hate. It's moved in to just plain detesting...what can I say...you are driving me batshit crazy. REALLY?? Snow? In May? YUCKO! I was just fishing like 2 weeks ago...
Seriously WTH,
Hater of the spring snow storms

Dear Pister,
Sorry my new blog thing was confusing. K and I are full of random. An explanation would have been good. My bad
XO,
The good Pister :)

Dear Stewie,
I totally heart you. Thank you for telling your sister that you think that I'm a neat person. Right back atcha!
XO,
J

Dear K/Summit,
I have a blog here that I'm on...here where I vent...and here with you! WTF am I thinking...I can't even keep up with one! But I'm super excited to blog together anyway!
XO,
J

Dear LiLu,
You're still the shit! Thanks for commenting all the time. I really do owe you a drink!
Always,
The ower of the drinks

Dear Hillbilly Duhn,
IDK you, but you follow 2 out of 3...which makes you a winner :) I love your hilarious antics. You and LiLu are 2 of my favorites!
Thanks,
I probably owe you a drink too

Dear other followers,
Sorry I suck...I would probably write more but I have 3 blogs and still nothing to say. Also, I'm not funny in writing...that's also shitty for you. But thanks for the follow anyway!
My bad,
I'm serious about you coming to Montana for a beer

Holy Shiz...

2010-05-06T09:38:00.001-06:00

I can't think of anything to write on the 2 blogs I already have so what did I do? Started a new one with a friend! It's gonna be an interesting ride...thanks for asking me along K!

Check it out HERE

Thanks yo!

XO, J

wow...okay...just wow...and my appologies in advance for the length...

2010-04-27T12:23:00.004-06:00

you ever know someone that has had to fight for their rights? I have. I've known a lot of people. As a matter of fact I have a few very close friends that fight for their rights EVERY.SINGLE.DAY...It's call the "gay community". Those of you that have read my other stuff or know me personally know that a) my mother is a lesbian b) I am an activist for equal rights...for not only "the gays" (thanks Kathy Griffin for making me think that's funny) but for everyone c) that I can be very passionate about doing what right and d) that I have a very strong sense of what mom calls "social justice". There are a lot of things in my life that I am proud of, but my ability to seek the truth, try to turn people toward what I feel in my heart and soul is right, and doing my job as a human being to understand that our differences make us special are my biggest accomplishments.

That being said. I am straight...mostly...we think :) haha - my peeps will get that (insert a joke about one of my many "girlfriends" here). I do, however, try to keep up to date on the happenings here in the local "gay community" as well as globally. I'm informed ya'll. So I have a friend, who is a teacher (will call her A), somewhere in the state of MT. Her "partner" (gonna call her B) and I are tight dude...she's like the freakin' shit. I'd also like to add that this couple is the first "gay couple" to adopt JOINTLY in the state. That's right kiddies. These 2 moms are both on the birth certificate. Wrap your mind around it....because we are a RED state... Anyway, I digress, so this friend, B informed me today that A, her teacher "partner" (sorry for no names, but it's not my place) was denied bereavement leave for her (B) father's funeral. This woman is not just B's "partner" but her sons parent. Legally this is A's son's grandfather, regardless of their sexual orientation. Now another party involved is going to be called C. C is also a lesbonin (haha - "Friends" reference...remember that episode? thanks Pister for that reminder). As a matter of fact, C has had to fight for her own rights (again, can't really get into it). C had decided that because of a certain (bullshit excuse) extenuating circumstance she will not help A & B fight for A's rights as a parent and sent her to deal with her bereavement leave with the "higher ups". EVEN after A & B helped her fight for hers....hmmmmm...so it's okay when others are helping you, but when it's time to fight for a global cause now that you're fate has been decided to puss out? Nope...not cool man...

That being said...I think I'd like to express my opinion on C's stance...

You cannot have your cake and eat it too. If you are NOT willing to stand up for your own rights as a gay person don't expect anyone else to either. It has never been easy standing up for what one believes. HOWEVER, what's right is not always easy and what's easy is not always right. These people stood up for you because it was the right thing to do. You now have a choice...do what is right or stick your head in the sand because you are afraid of the repercussions. If you decide not to do what is right above what is safest for yourself don't expect people to stick around. People want friends who are willing to put themselves out there if it's the right thing to do. It is all out chicken shit for you to take the help when it is offered and yet when the tables are turned to run like a scared little puppy with your tail between your legs. I understand that in your job position it is hard to do the right thing. I understand that there could be very big consequences. I understand that it could be very hard to deal with. I would like to remind you though...When you needed the support the most for circumstances that were much harder to deal with...these people were there. They took you in as family. They gave you not only a place to stay, but more importantly their hearts. They expected nothing in return (to a point because frankly when you have friends you do expect some relationship reciprocation...if you say you don't it's a fucking lie). They did expect for you to treat them with dignity and respect and to maybe be willing to help them fight for not only their rights, but YOURS. Put yourself in their shoes. If your father died and your "partner" and parent of your child was told that she could not have bereavement time would you be okay with that or would if piss you off? I know you. I know it would piss you off. What I'm really saying here is grow a fucking set and fight for what's right! Don't piss all over your friends because you're current partner is having issues with an ex...DUDE who the fuck is going to be there if and when shit falls apart during this relationship? Certainly not the person that's walking away.

Moral of the story kids: fight for what you believe in or stfu...you can't have it both ways...if you do have it both ways then you are just a FLAKE. Nobody wants to hang with a flake because you are like your friends or you become like them...If the world is going to change the way you want it to then you have to be willing to make sure it does so...

And then becomes the question...

2010-04-21T09:36:00.003-06:00

Can you be friends with people who are of a different thinking? different social group? socioeconomic status? religion? What about education level?

Also, do people tend to follow in their parents footsteps as far as their feelings about higher education? How much does the way you are raised affect the way you feel about higher education or moreover upper level education (Law School, Graduate School, etc.)?

Is the problem here an actual difference or a perceived difference that is more so a difference of thinking pattern?

Okay - so here's the deal...I'm getting a headache from thinking about all of this and would like some opinions if anyone is reading this shiz...

I have a friend - whom I must say I am so very happy doesn't have the internets so she will not be reading this. Said friend is the mother of 3, works at a gas station (nothing wrong with that I used to work there myself frankly, however, definitely a down grade from her old job at Walmart as a dept. manager), and has only a high school education (again not knocking it - my brother does well with just his GED so it's all good - no judgment). She lives with her construction worker boyfriend, swears she going to go to nursing school (we'll see), and acts like they are broke because they can't get a break. I was talking to her the other day and it seemed to me like she was trying to work the system (ya know the foodstamps and shiz). Now what really pissed me off about it was that she seems to think it's okay to do so. I got on her ass about it, but realized that what I say doesn't matter because she's going to say I just don't get how hard it is, blah, blah, blah. I will say I have to hand it to her that I have no idea what it's like to be broke. I have NEVER been truly broke in my life. My mother is an attorney, my father a fireman. I was raised upper-middle class by a battalion chief (my dad), a divorce lawyer (mom), and a therapist (mom's girlfriend Kate...whom I've mentioned). I work for my mom and make good money doing so...well at least good enough. There was a 3 month period where I was working at the gas station and pretty much homeless (I crashed with a co-worker...which is another story), however, I knew that no matter what I would be okay. I made $6.50 an hour, had only my HS education, and really no place to live, but they let me stay rent-free, which is probably one of the reasons I don't hate these people even though everyone says I have every right to do so. I don't have kids, I own my condo, I have a college education, I moved back in with my mom after those 3 months, and I always knew that if worse came to worst I could probably move in with Kate. Why not live with dad you say? Well that's also another story. Anyway, I digress. I don't know what it's like to be divorced with 3 kids, have a shitty job, and an asshole boyfriend. I made different choices for my life than she did. So this friend is talking about working the system and all I can do is get annoyed, tell her is bullshit and if she gets caught she's in deep shit, because the government doesn't look kindly on people fucking them over. Which all got me thinking...what does this mean for our friendship when I get done with grad school? Will we even be able to be friends when I know that I'm paying my taxes so that she can fuck someone else out of that much needed money? The system is there for a reason AND being the Democrat (staunch Democrat) that I am I truly believe that it's a good thing. HOWEVER, the system should be used by those who need it. I know people who are a lot worse off than her who wouldn't dream of touching those resources.

This all got me thinking about the above questions...so anyone?? anyone?? I realize I will probably not get any kind of response, but I really needed to put it out there...thanks all...

Politeness....

2010-04-13T10:42:00.003-06:00

So the other day my mom and I ran into each other at the grocery store. We were quite surprised to see that after spending a day together at work we would now be shopping together (cuz ya know great minds think a like). So we do our shopping and go to check out. My mom is polite, she's always very polite even when some rudeness might be in order, but she doesn't make idle chit-chat with people. I on the other hand am a talker. Those who know me know that above all I love to talk and to hear stories. So she checks out first and there are all the customary pleases and thank you's. Then I check out. I do all the pleases and thank yous and what not along with my idle chatter with the lady (I shop at the same spot pretty often so although she probably doesn't remember me - I do remember her). At the end of my time I grab my grocery bags and toss a have a good night or nice night or good one or something of that nature. This prompts my mother to say "You're so nice."....um...okay?....So it's been bugging me...are most people not that nice? And then it dawned on me. People really are RUDE. I worked at a gas station for 4 1/2 years and I should know that I am probably going out of my way to be nice. I try to be patient even when people are pissy. I always tip something even if people are shitty. I like to tell people to have a nice day. It's partially about my upbringing (my parents are both nice people, my mom is definitely more quiet than my dad and I but they are equally kind) and it's partially about my past experience working with the general public. I guess that I can fully remember having shitty days at work and it was MY regulars (yep still refer to them that way - and I actually miss them on a personal level) that helped snap me out of it. They would come in with some crazy story about kids, or dogs, or exes and it would make me smile. Sometimes they would come in and tell me about something shitty that happened to them that day and I would understand that at least my day wasn't THAT shitty. It's nice to know that people can still care about strangers. I certainly do...even when I wish I didn't...which at my job is often...anyway, if anyone ever reads and leaves comments (besides the lovely LiLu - who is a rockstar at commenting - thanks for that btw)...do you have anything to share or add about the politeness or lack thereof in society?? Do you think that it's weird that I do this? (the way my mom said "you're so nice" made me feel like I wasn't normal)

Happy Birthday Gramma

2010-03-29T13:48:00.008-06:00

So today is my Gram's like 83rd? b-day and I just wanted to give her a bloggy shout out. It's full of Schmoop (thanks LiLu for the word...no one get pissy that she gets credit - I heard it there first...just sayin') - anywho it's full of schmoop so if you hate sap the skip it!!

My grandmother is a very special and lovely woman. I think what makes an awesome gramma is when EVERY grandchild seems to think they are the favorite. I mean we ALL know that I'm totally the favorite, but all the other kids like to argue with me. Whatever, screw you guys, she just doesn't want to say it cuz it'll hurt your feelers. Seriously though - all kidding aside - my cousins and I have actually argued over this. She is wonderful and I love to listen to her talk about her life, and my (late) gramps's life (RIP gramps), and what it was like when you had to crank a car and find ways to entertain yourself beyond a TV. I mean honestly the woman has led a fascinating life which I will maybe blog about from time to time if I think of it. She's not really old fashioned though. She's come right along with the times. She has the internet, email, and even facebook...how many other 80-yr-old people can you say that about? She is kind, giving, caring, but she can be feisty and protective. Just talk shit about one of my cousins...she'll stick up for them regardless of whether you're right or not because that's her grandkid damnit. I can honestly say I don't remember her ever yelling at us or punishing anyone. She has taught me so many things. She taught me how to sew by hand, how to take the family jokes for what they are...jokes, how to graciously be the butt of the joke (Dr. Laura :), how to be kind to people because you don't know what they might be going through, that life can go on for a long time after you lose the man you loved your entire life, how to hold fast to family, make others feel important, how to work through your marriage difficulties (thanks by the way for setting impossibly high standards...), that you can still be active at 80, that a gramma's love and hugs and kisses and bug picks can make even the shittiest of shit feel okay for even a tiny moment in time, and so many more lessons. She loves her family with everything she has. She's got the patience of a Saint...seriously, if you met some of our family you'd totally understand, and she's the best band-aid giver, boo boo kisser, flu fixer, and broken heart healer to ever have been born.

So here's to my Gramma Dottie...Whose real name is Laura just FYI, not Dot, Dorthy, etc...Happy Birthday to the best Grams ever!! I love you and thank you for all the wonderful gifts you have given me, the lessons you have taught me, and the times you fixed sick when my parents were at work. You are one of my most treasured gifts and certainly one of my very real life heroes. All, all, all of my love...XO, Jesse Jo

I fail...

2010-03-25T16:09:00.003-06:00

I suck at this blogging thing...sorry...kinda...which is pretty much a lie

anyway - I blogged over here today

Workin' It Out - also - this is not a fatty blog where I talk about how I'm fat and need to lose weight. No one wants to hear me whine about that. Instead they want to hear me whine about dealing with loss....or maybe not cuz they don't read either of them.

Thanks to those who do!

XO, J

I'm an adult I can get tattoos and say the "f" word if I want to...

2010-03-22T09:11:00.002-06:00

just sayin....
okay so I actually got to have an exciting weekend...
My cousin, E, is in the Navy. He is leaving for Boloxi, Mississippi (probably spelled that wrong but who cares) and then Afghanistan. SOOOOOOOO...he threw himself a going away party at a local dive bar. It's a real shit hole, but also ended up being awesome in a way (keep in mind later that it's right next door to a town pump here). So we are at this "party", which btw is just a bunch of random family and friends, and not in a reserved room (hello it's a dive bar). Anyway, Friday at midnight also happened to be the release of New Moon...yeah I'm a nerd. So the family is all getting shitty drunk (except me cuz well after puking last year for 3 days I don't drink). My cousin L. is wasted. Lisa is 45 and doesn't really drink much herself. So Eric, his mom (L.), his dad (A.), his grandfather on mom's side (L. who is my Aunt's ex hubby), and his friends are all wastered. Like falling down drunk. His sister (also A, but we'll call her lil A. for this) is preggo so she's not drinking...essentially she and I and our under drinking age but of gambling age cousin (K.) are the only sober ones after about 11. Anywho, I'm ready to leave, but I'm counting drunks/sober person car holding capabilities and realize there is no way Lil A is getting all these idiots home by herself. I have to stay and help because that's how I roll. AND BOY AM I GLAD I DID! Midnight rolls around and Lil A and I decide we are bored and wtf let's go get "New Moon". I had told the bff, Pister, that I would pick her up a copy anyway. She was extremely excited (like crazy excited) to have a copy. Anyway, Lil A and I leave and that's when the shit hits the fan. I'm going to preface this by saying we were only gone for like 30 minutes tops. So we leave and my cousin E. starts to freak out again about going to a place where shooting him is the aim of some people. Understandable no? So he's upset and his mom (L.) and Dad (A.) take him outside to talk. So he's upset and his dad is giving him a hug and this big (and I mean big - like 6'4") Indian, excuse me, Native American, dude starts to mouth off. He says "Why don't you get a room?" Of course they all do the wtf...and L. says "what did you just say?" Drunk Indian dude, like an idiot, repeats himself....so...They ALL 3 take off after him. They are all 4 drunk as fuck at this point. E. is so drunk he trips over his own feet and falls. A. tries to tackle dude, but falls instead....Not L though - she chases this guy into Town Pump and wails on his ass. L. is 45 and only about 5'4" tall...and she's wailing on this son of a bitch...So Dude is all like "get her off me, call the cops, I'm pressing charges"...and L's response "call the fucking cops, I work for the fucking cops!" Yeah...she's worked dispatch for a while, but probably not her best response. Anywho, cops are called and L barely dodges going to jail...luckily. L at one point afterward tells me she kinda feels bad...my response "fuck that, you just made my year sweetheart, can't feel bad about that!" Booyah - and that is the story of how my cousin wailed on some dude half her age and twice her size!

Friends on a side-note...I have NEVER before gone out with my family....and my friends aren't the "bar fight" type. Just gotta say that it was epic. Thanks for reading...

ltml - Jan 20, 2010

2010-01-20T14:45:00.002-07:00

Dear Blog,
I've been neglecting you...oh if only I were more clever or had more fun....boo
Xo, I should just retire from this now

Dear A's baby,
Hang in there until Friday please...your older sister made things difficult for me - you don't need to follow suit.
Thanks, Auntie Coo Coo

Dear Jorge from Yellowstone Country Clerk of Court,
Yep that's right dipshit...I'm totally naming your ass in my blog. Just FYI - you might want to be careful who you talk shit about. Not only is that person that ALLEGEDLY doesn't return your phone calls my boss but she's mom, she's FUCKING AWESOME at her job, and she's the poo (so take a big whiff). If you want to talk shit about her feel free, but know that I will find people to fuck with you just for fun. It's called torture and me likey.
Fuck you...
Sincerely, You're a dumbass

Dear Detectives,
Thank you for finding DNA evidence so that court is delayed and I don't have to be on the Jury. Cuz this shit would not have gone over well with me...(click to read what Jury I would have possibly been on)
No thank you to that crap, Unhappy potential Juror

Dear Yahoo Toolbar,
Fuck off! I hate you - It took me like 3 days and a google search to figure out that you were the cause of my "no right click on firefox" problem.
Argh, Unhappy internet user

Dear readers of this crappy blog,
Anything you want me to tell you? I have nothing to write about. I don't really have any TMI's (lilu style) or anything cool for Memoir Monday (Travis style)....I mostly just suck.
Thanks, Me

Dear old self,
You used to be a good writer in your day...what the fuck happened to you? Where'd ya go?
Not loving it, The new self who wishes to be the old self

Letters to my life - New Year edition

2010-01-02T10:50:00.003-07:00

First off - new blog - over HERE - for anyone who cares...

Dear New Year's Eve...
Must you blow every year? WTF...
~Girl who stayed in when she should have been out

Dear Friends...
Really? No one wanted to be fun? Why is everyone so OLD suddenly?
~Quit being fogies ya assholes

Dear Cuzzin...
Sorry I didn't feel like coming out after hours of trying to find someone to go out with...
~Next year I'm callin yo ass first

Dear 2010...
Could you please suck WAY less than 2009...2009 was shitty and should not be repeated.
~thanks...girl who was sick for a huge chunk of last year

Dear guy I've been trying to make booty call...
Why so uninterested all of a sudden? Fucka - I'm trying here...although you don't know that's what I'm doing...so I'll keep pretending I'm interested.
~xo, Girl who's not as innocent as everyone thinks

Dear Pister and well other people who know me...
Shocked by that last one? Me too a little bit...and NO I will not talk to you about it...except you pister...maybe I will talk to you about it as long as you don't pull your "20 questions" bullshit. That's just gonna piss me off...I will give you as much info as I want, don't push it please.
~Love, the girl who is really not that girl

Dear people reading this thinking I'm bitchy....
Yes I am thanks...but she knows...
~Always the bitch

Dear USA Network...
Law and Order SVU marathon...yes please...thanksomuch!
~Straight girls love Mariska too

Dear TRUCK,
Please start you fucking piece of shit. At least long enough for me to move you over 6 inches...
~yeah - I fucking hate you

Dear Readers and bloggers,
Happy New Year...May all of your blog entertain me. I mean may it fucking rock! And long may you all rave!
~All the love I can muster, J

end of the year wrap up

2009-12-23T15:51:00.003-07:00

I published this on my other blog because well frankly it's long and boring and that's what that blog is for...it is HERE if you are bored or have no life

Merry Christmas, Happy Channukah, Happy Kwanza, Happy Holidays, or whatever other PC thing I'm supposed to say...also, sorry if they are spelled wrong - I sure wouldn't want to offend anyone...

If you're drinking have one...naw 2 for me...I get sick if I drink...yay for my asshole stomach!

Thanks for the great year everyone!

Merry merry and be safe!

* Ps it's fucking snowing here...and the roads suck...if you want a white Christmas feel free to join me - I will buy you booze for being my entertainment... :)

ltml - fml edition

2009-12-16T23:22:00.002-07:00

Dear Neighbor,
If you're going to play your guitar all shittily could you please cut yourself off at 10 pm like a polite person. I've never blasted you with my shit after 9:30...stupid snatch - if you don't knock it off I might cut you.
Sincerely, Disgruntled neighbor

Dear Neighbor's kid,
What are you deaf?? I can't believe my noise hasn't woken you up! Help a sista out over here and wake up screaming. It's the least you could do when you have count cuntula as a mom...fuck!
Always, Angry Bitch Next Door

Dear Ana and Andy,
I do not now nor have I ever cared about Andy's kids. As a matter of fact I couldn't care less what happens. I have helped and listened trying to be a good person. Why in the fuck would I want to listen to the two of you bitch about the same shit I hear at work EVERY SINGLE DAY!?!? Keep your own fucking drama dude...I'm officially out! May your lawyer keep his sanity the poor lad...I think next time I'll send you to someone I don't like.
Not cool, Me

Dear Mr K. Sweeney (the good one),
I'm apologizing now for my past and future mistakes. I know that I have sent you some gems. My bad...
Really do love ya, The girl who makes the shitty coffee and sends you nutcases

Dear Pister,
Add a fucking followers button and help people out...maybe you'd get more. I'm trying here. PS - thanks for you know that thing that you did that we can't talk about on here...(twss?)
Love, the good Pister

Dear followers,
Get your mind outta the gutter...
Thanks again for the love, J

I started a new blog for all of my "baggage"

2009-12-14T16:02:00.004-07:00

to keep this blog down to a minimum with my baggage and drama (the non-funny kind) I started a new blog...here at http://jessesworkinitout.blogspot.com/ - read if you'd like - if not I totally understand...it's not funny...AT ALL. Thanks fellow bloggers for your support on this blog. It truly means the world that complete strangers do care even on shitty days. I will still be here occasionally (you know like I'm a failure and don't blog often anyway)...nothing here will change except the occasions when I post here that I've posted there. I'll keep trying to be funny here even though I realize I'm not funny very often. It's like the jackpot though when I am! Thanks again all! Hopefully soon I'll have a good story...

haha...fml December 8th...

2009-12-08T13:13:00.003-07:00

Dear Blog reading and potential writing self,
You were doing so well there you dill fuck...what happened? Where'd ya go?
Love, The person who used to read all the "good blogs" everyday

Dear Bloglanders,
Sorry I haven't been commenting or writing...I suck....My bad!
Yours, The girl who still owes each of you a beer

Dear 3 year old Pontiac,
Fuck you and your fucking battery you whiny piece of shit. I hate you right now...just start mother fucker.
Truly, The girl who is going to drive you off a cliff

Dear Mitchell,
You're my hero...thanks for dealing with my car drama...no, I still won't marry you.
Always, The bitch who probably doesn't deserve a friend like you

Dear Pister,
Hope you get that job. Glad the assholes at the insurance company finally let you go. Fuck them - they can fist themselves.
Sincerely, ME - duh

Dear below zero weather,
I hate you, but if you were going to come you couldn't have picked a funnier time to do so...All those Palin book waiters are batshit crazy.
Loving you for once, The girl who ISN'T going to wait in this weather for Sarah fuckin' Palin

Dear People in line a borders,
HAHA...HAHA...HOHO...HEHE...you're all fucking crazy! Hope you had fun waiting for you 30 seconds with a moron.
Not yours, thankfully, The girl who thinks Sarah Palin is completely full of shit

Dear Sarah Palin,
Fuck you.
Also not yours truly, Jesse (aka girl who wishes you would just go away for good)

Sometimes I like to creat controversy....

2009-11-18T14:05:00.005-07:00

I like to think of it as "pushing buttons to make people think". It sounds a lot less bitchy and annoying then I like to piss people off because I think they are backwards in their way of thinking...or I'm ALWAYS right so screw you anyway. So this blog is going to be about an apparently very controversial issue: Religion. If you are a very staunch Christian leave now please. Also, if you didn't like Travis's blog over at "I like to fish..." about how effed it is that people in Kentucky are still racist - also, please leave, I just have a feeling you won't understand what I'm saying and I don't care to hear how you don't like it. (Also, if you don't know what I'm talking about click one of the above blue link thingy's* and it will take to you him - he's kind of awesome.)

SO - I have this little saying - it's a joke...mostly er kind of...it goes a little like this: If only the Mormons or the Catholics or the Jehovah's Witnesses are going to Heaven then I'd rather go to hell with all the rest of my people anyway because it's going to be way more fun!

Apparently that is NOT a popular thing to say to über churchy* people. It's like an automatic ticket to hell...which means apparently that I'm fucked. YES I'm automatically going to hell now. WTF!?!? I make a joke and I'm going to hell. There is no asking me what I actually believe, no questioning of one's own beliefs, just Jess is going to hell.

So just to check my theory I do a little facebook status update...and that leads to this...
My original status:

Jesse is it true that, if I'm not religous and what not or get whatevered, I am going to hell no matter how good I am, how much I love, how much I believe, or how many people I help? Cuz if that's the case I think I might as well start being bad...

and the answers: **

Jacquelyn

Whatever. Don't listen to other people unless they bring you up. You know whether or not you are trying to be a good person to yourself, lady earth, and those who populate her (be they awesome or not). Don't even listen to me (awesome as I am) *wink*. Listen to you.

Jesse

Thanks Jacque :) (are you still going to start spelling it like that again??) - I just love how closed-minded people can be...if you left it up to any single religion the people of that faith would (according to that religion, not necessarily all of the people of that religion - although quite a few apparently believe it's true) be the only ones to... Read More get into "Heaven" and it wouldn't matter how terrible the person was here on Earth as long as s/he was saved...I'm just going - so Hitler gets to go to Heaven and I don't because he was "saved" and did whatever they thought he needed to and I'm not going to Heaven because I was only baptized?? What's up with that!?!? :)

Jamie

That was awesome, Jackie...you are such a special woman! So are you, Jesse. And listen to Jackie, cause she's pretty dang smart! I love you girls! ♥

Jacquelyn

I think God will weigh the intentions with the actions. Too bad I can't communicate with passed souls...it'd be nice to just flat out ask them. That'd be cheating though and I did plenty of that in High School and didn't learn a thing :D

Sandie (side note - this is the BFF's mom - nice huh? loves...)

Some days Jesse you are so full of SHIT!!!!

Kellie

No its not true and your own accountability to your self will keep you from having too much fun!

Yet then I get in my inbox: the person shall remain nameless...

Hey Jesse, The only thing that matters and will assure you going to Heaven is your relationship with Jesus Christ. You can be as nice, as helpful as loving as you can be but if you do not know and believe that Jesus died for you because He loves you (the ultimate unconditional love-cuz lets face it if Jesus still loves me after all the crap I have done His love must be unconditional)> I'm not trying to be all high and mighty because I'm not nor am I a perfect person by any stretch of the imagination, I just want you to be fully informed. Quite honestly my friend I would hate for you to spend eternity in hell

NOW - where in the fuck did I ever state my beliefs?? It wasn't what this person said that pissed me off...it was the fact that she said it with such conviction that I was going to hell. Like maybe she could have taken a gander at me and noticed my cross necklace, maybe she could have asked a mutual friend who has known me for a while, maybe she could have ASKED ME what it is that I believe...maybe just maybe then she would have found out that I was raised Catholic but I have no use for organized religion because they teach people not to question anything EVER...and they are a little too cultish ("f" you spell check) for my taste - I also think they are mostly hypocrites...not all...just most...yaknow with the "love thy neighbor" and "let he who is without sin cast the first stone" and "God loves all his children" crap. I'm not saying I have a problem with other people who are religious, but damn it if my Mormon friends can take a joke and not preach to me then why can't other people!?!? Or at least ask me what I believe before you throw your down home values on me...sheesh. Am I out of line?

*yes - I am aware that "thingy's" is not a word, but doodad's is just weird for me and also churchy should be a word, but I realize most people (outside my head) don't think it is either

** all of these people are religious in some form...all of them have at one point (or still do) gone to church on a weekly basis. The range from Mormon to Lutheran to just plain Christian

anger, heart break, frustration...the one with too much emotion and too much about my past...very personal...and very "schmoopy"

2009-11-10T22:31:00.005-07:00

very long post...very personal...much recounting of my life. Skip this if you expect it to in any way be funny or even make sense...it's VERY VERY LONG...

I'm an over thinker. If I know anything about myself, this is definitely it. So I've been thinking...What is a truly broken heart? Do we ever get over a significant loss? Does the heart ever really truly heal? Or is like Stephanie Meyer says in her "New Moon" book...that we essentially just get better at dealing with the pain. I never thought a book about teenage vampires would ever have anything to say that would truly make sense, but dealing with my newest round of grief over something that happened more than 5 years ago, her words suddenly become actually relevant to my life. I find it odd, hilarious, and a more than a bit pathetic that I would admit a fluffy book like that would relate to me, but nonetheless the book is irrelevant, the words are not.

A Comprehensive break down of my life...this is going to be long...feel free to skip this post
15 years ago:
Mom comes out and starts dating one of the most wonderful people I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. Her name is Kate and she becomes my new mommy...My mom was always my mom, but she was MY momma Kate. I was the daughter of her heart and soul. We both knew that what was happening was inescapable, beautiful, and exciting. I finally had a mom with whom I could relate. That isn't said to diminish my relationship with my biological mother, we are very close and she is absolutely wonderful, but this was different and extraordinary.

until 10 years ago:
Kate and I remain joint at the hip. She's moved in with us. She's taught me to cook, she's taught me about defining my own spirituality without relying on a religion, she's taught me that people want to do better with their second child than they did with their first (and boy did she), she's introduced me to all kinds of new and wonderful people. Until she left when I was 16 we were inseparable. I was a child living in an adult world...and I felt like I was right where I belonged.

almost 10 years ago:
Kate leaves us for him. Mom and I are hurt and pissed. She and I are still so close that it's hard for my to imagine my life without seeing her everyday. We talk everyday until she moves to the Virgin Islands when I'm 17.

9 years ago:
My life changes. She's gone, but we still talk daily, until it's only every couple of days. I don't see her physically any more, but she tries her best to ease that pain. She knows all too well what I'm feeling. Then again she always has...she's the one person who can read me like an open book.

6 years, 2 or 3 months:
She's home for a couple of weeks, he's with her. She kicks him out of their timeshare condo in Red Lodge, Montana so that we can have some uninterrupted mother/daughter time. Kiss that buddy...What a selfish kid...but she knew I still wasn't ready to face him. I still wanted my parents back together. My dad had my other mom, Kathleen, for which I am grateful...my life would be so different if Kathleen weren't here - and not in a good way...she's been so good to me...but my 2 moms were still separate now. It will never fail to amaze me how kids hang on to the thought of their parents being together again after a divorce. I loved Kathleen so I never wanted mom and dad back together, of that I was sure. But the battle between mom and Kate proved to be the one that put me in the category of "other kids" - the one I had never imagined being a part of myself.

6 years ago:
She's sick. She's having seizures. She has me convinced it's nothing, she'll be okay. I always believed everything she said. She could have told me the sky was yellow and I would have believed her...I truly think everything will be fine.

btwn 5 and 6 years ago:
I know something is wrong, but I don't know what. The phone calls are less frequent, she's feeling less up to talking, she's not e-mailing me back. This is not her. This is not MY Kate. My Kate would find a way to talk to me. Something is very very wrong, I'm worried, and I'm frantically trying to reach her. I can feel that she needs me and I can't be there. I'm scared for her....

5 years, 5 months, 1 1/2 weeks (essentially),
I get a phone call that shatters my world. I'm only 20 years old and I have lost one of the few people I am fully not ready to loose. I get the call. The call. His call. Him. The man I blamed for so long for a decision SHE made. He took my mom away from me. I can't help but be resentful even if it's wrong. My head knows it was her decision, my heart needs someone else to blame. He tells me she died. What!? How could this happen? I'm too young. She was too young. 52 years, almost 4 months. Literally days shy of the 52 years, 4 months. I'm in my old bedroom that is now mom's office. She's at her computer working, I'm in the recliner jabbering away about some nonsense as usual. The desk faces the windows, recliner faces the desk. The bathroom to my back and right, the bathroom she designed with the walk in closet I loved. The walls are a different color than when I was a kid...3 pink, 1 deep maroon purple. Shelley's idea...yuck. I get the call. I lose it. I lose it badly enough that mom looks at me like I've had a mental break. I can hear him talking vaguely. I can hear him tell me she's dead. It was a brain tumor. I'm sorry sweetheart....I'm sobbing by now...uncontrollable, heart wrenching sobs, sounds I don't remember ever making. Mom is watching me, concern on her face. I hear him ask, "Is there anything I can do for you?" I manage to say, "no"...and somehow, though I can't remember now, the call ends. That's it. She's gone. No answers, nothing. I tell mom. Mom's losing it. We're both overcome. Shelley walks in, I look at mom with desperation in my eyes that says "get Shelley out...I can't deal with her, please just make her leave". Mom sends her away. We both cry. Words must have been said. I can't remember any of it. It's like people always say "a haze". My world has just come crashing down. It was only 1 year, 3 months almost to the day that I lost my grandfather. I was only 19 when he died, now at only 20 one of the other most important people I have ever known is gone. 2 gone in a little over a year.

That same day I have promised my family to be at a Memorial Weekend BBQ at the river. I've told only 3 people about it...Sandy, Kara, and my mom. Sandy and Kara reach out to me. I think they both went to the BBQ with me for moral support. Not a word is said about what has transpired. They know better. I don't want them, I don't want anyone, I want my momma Kate. I want her and only her. The same person I always want when my heart is broken.

I try to e-mail him about her. He won't tell me anything through the e-mail. He wants me to call...I can't call. I'm not strong enough. I'm not ready. We lose touch. He moves on. I don't.

And so the years pass...

6 months (ish) ago:
I find him on facebook. He leads me to Martha. Thank you Kate, thank you God, thank you Martha. I find some answers and start the grieving process all over.

Present:
I don't know if knowing more has helped or made it worse. All I know is that my life feels broken still. 5 years later. 5 fucking years...when does it stop hurting like hell? When does my heart quit feeling broken? When does it quit feeling like there is a piece of my soul missing? I think I know more than I should about losing a parent at a young age. It's too hard for anyone to understand how much I relied on her...how much she truly was my mommy. How much only she understood about me. No one has ever known me as well as she did. I worry no one will. I worry no one will understand how much she means to me and how much it hurts to be without her. I have had friends who have lost a parent. They think that what I feel isn't the same. I won't say they are wrong. I also won't say that they are right. I can't begin to know what they feel, but the feeling of emptiness that they feel when they think of that parent...that loving, devoted, caring, compassionate person...that I know. The yearning to see that person, the need to just have them tell you everything is okay is all too familiar.

There are so many unanswered questions. So many resentments toward him, toward her brother, toward her son. Her asshole son was there...the daughter of her heart and soul was not. Fair? I think not. She didn't even LIKE her son...let alone her brother. I can't wrap my mind around his grief...I can't imagine why he would tell her son and her brother and not me. I can only speculate. Was it because he resented me? Was it because he knew how much she and my mom still meant to each other? Was it just that he wasn't thinking? He called me within a day so how could he not know...How could her own son not care enough to write an obituary? Why did he let her brother in on even the minutest details? The why's go on forever. I will likely never speak to him. I honestly don't know if I care to, to be honest. I'm not sure I could deal with him even to this day. I'm angry and I know to my core it doesn't help things. I know in my soul that not liking him, her brother, her son, the situation, the way it was handled, the way I let him overlook me, any of it, I know that it doesn't help. I know that it only hurts me. Yet, somehow, I can not overlook it.

I am like her in so many ways that I can not even begin to explain. The BFF sees it, mom sees it, anyone who saw us together sees it, saw it, or at the very least starts to see it eventually. If you look close she's in there...inside of me. In my heart, my soul, my mind, my spirit. She has shaped me into this person. The one with the freak outs over weird things, the sometimes obsessive behavior, the love of the unconventional, the love of the spiritual, the cook, the person who makes her own family, that girl that has so much passion sometimes that it seems insane. That person who loves cats, laughs at things inside her head, gives her mom shit like it's nobody's business and gets away with it when no one else can, that person that is unorganized as hell and can't find shit. That girl that loves Christmas, craft shows, music, and good movies. The girl that has learned to see beyond what is and see what may be, what can be, or what someone is not saying. The opinionated advice giving lecturing mom type. That sweet child that was always referred to as an old soul...she knew that person better than anyone because she helped create her. That girl is me. The real me. The me that sometimes feels very alone and very lost without her. The me that wonders...Do we ever truly get over this kind of soul deep loss? If this is not a broken heart what is? How do I move past this? And how do I learn to keep my heart open enough to not miss out on all the things life has to offer? She would want me to keep an open heart...she would want me to laugh, love, live, be happy. Yet, in times like today, I still struggle to see past the loss to what is to come. But I will be okay...because my parents...the collective whole of them...have taught me that I can survive anything. And because I have the greatest support system in the best people anyone could ever have.

ltml - October 26

2009-10-26T11:04:00.002-06:00

Dear I'm going to blog at least once a week me,
You suck at this and have nothing to say. That's all.
Sincerely,
Me that forgets or has nothing to say

Dear beautiful wonderful amazing niece,
Quit growing up so quickly...18...wow, 8 frickin teen! I remember watching movies and sledding with you. I remember you and k-bug following me around. I remember you begging the g-parents to let you tag along to my basketball games and watch me cheer. I remember little you with you little cherub face and your little sweet way of kicking my ass at cards. I remember everything. I love you and now I think I will have to dedicate a post solely to you.
Love love love,
The luckiest aunt in the whole wide world

**side note...I know schmoopy (as LiLu puts it), but I can't help myself

Dear tree in my back yard,
I can't wait until the condo association gets enough money to cut you down. You are leafing in my porch and I am sick of sweeping. On the other hand, at least you provide me some comic relief by deciding to send half of it across the street to A and the girls. Funny as hell!
Sincerely,
You're annoying

Dear A,
Have fun raking those leaves!!! HAHAHAHAHA!
Love,
Your bitch neighbor with the big leafy fucking tree

Dear BFF,
You do too have insurance...maybe not health, but you have car and home owners. I was right...AGAIN - even if it was just a technicality.
Sincerely,
quit being crabby it was a joke

Dear clients,
Once again - a reminder - I HATE you, but you are the reason I get a paycheck. I do not, however, want to hear your life story. I've heard it all before. Unless you have a sex tape shocker I do NOT care. Oh wait, I don't care about that either, been there heard that.
Sincerely,
Disgruntled answerer of the phones...

Dear Remote Start,
I love you. I can't believe it took almost 10 years of parking outside in the snow to finally get you.
Loving,
The non-window scraper

Dear readers,
Thanks again. BTW - we're still on for the free booze if you make it to good ol' Montana.
Thanks a million,
J

ltml - October 5th

2009-10-05T08:37:00.002-06:00

Dear weather,
WTF!? Snow in the beginning of October...this is terrible. Why can't you just pretend that Montana is California for a while?
Sincerely, I fucking hate winter and anyone who loves it can trade places with me (unless it's snows where your from)

Dear MT drivers,
It's that time of year again. That white shit on the ground is called snow. It happens every year. EVERY. YEAR. It will take you longer to stop than normal...please don't rear-end me. Also, all of the same driving rules apply...like get in the intersection when you're turning left b/c J does NOT want to be waiting for you to get brave all day.
Sincerely, I don't the money to fix my car or the patience for you.

Dear Cougar Town,
Thank you for giving Courtney Cox a new comedy. I love it. Also, thank you for the sarcastic chick from scrubs. Awesomeness...
Sincerely, I actually have another "must see" TV show for the first time since SATC ended.

Dear Chick from Scrubs,
Welcome back to the world...we missed you.
Sincerely, That girl that rarely watched Scrubs but remembers that you were hilarious

Dear Firefox,
Why are you such an asshole? I really can't watch ABC epi's at work on you?!? The BFF says you work for her just fine...Google chrome it is then.
Sincerely, disgruntled Cougar Town viewer

Dear NBC,
WTF!?!? Jay Leno at 9 pm every SINGLE night?
Sincerely, Jay Leno should be kept on late night

Dear people who wear too much perfume/cologne/body spray/deodorant,
You do NOT have to bathe in it. Actually the world would prefer you didn't...seriously you offend my nostrils every time I have to smell that. Also, I'm mildly allergic to some brands...AXE being the popular one at the moment...so I am begging you - please don't wear that when you go out in public. Also, ladies - you smell like a $2.00 hooker, which is only okay if you are, in fact, a hooker. Otherwise - TONE IT DOWN METHINKS!
Thank you, the girl who thinks you smell almost as bad as the BO you're trying to cover

Oh my life...ltml take 3 - sept 23

2009-09-23T14:24:00.005-06:00

I have learned in the past week that I should really start writing down things so that these cover things...also, I'm sick so I feel not as funny but here goes:

Dear person in the big red truck: Thanks for almost hitting me on my way back from lunch asshole. Glad I have good brakes! Note to others: Look before changing lanes.

Dear Higher Power: WTF are you doing? My life is not a joke...I'm mean srsly this is ridiculous - let a girl have a breather!

Dear person who wasn't worth mentioning last week: My bad. I'm an asshole...Thanks for admitting I'm not a terrible person. I'm glad you remembered that you CAN talk to me even if you feel like your being a bitch. Welcome to the club!

Dear client who dumped us for no reason: Fuck you! Dude your wife is going to screw you over so bad! HAHA! Good luck jackass! I shall go tell her attorney to have a field day...and he will because I bring him COOKIES! Take that!

Dear Kanye West: Imma let you get back to your life, but Taylor Swift had the best...okay I got nothin' dude! You're just kind of a jackass. Oh, and btw I totally didn't buy your fake ass apology on Jay Leno (which I saw on youtube...of course I didn't actually watch)

Dear client that thinks we aren't mean enough: It's not us it's you. Quit feeling sorry for yourself.

Dear AA people: Quit telling people it is OKAY to feel sorry for themselves! It's counter productive.

Dear Kelly: I am still not wearing that nightie thing even if I find it to tell you where it ended up. However, that does not mean that I don't love you and that you don't owe me a drink for even making me take it home. Margaritas on you? yes please! :)

Dear Pro Auto Sound and Security: 7-10 days does NOT mean 3 weeks. Pull your head out of your ass. My mommy paid really good money for you to put that remote start in my car!

Dear BFF: I did NOT receive snacks the last time I was over with hubs. What is your problem? Get on it woman! I want my booze and snacks like you promised while I'm "entertaining" the hubby! Also, I know you think it's a bit "weak sauce" that I'm fine with that girl again, but please move on...plz

Dear Girl who should be bitch slapped: It is NEVER ok to kiss your sister's boyfriend...even if you're drunk. Not cool!

Dear fat cat: Just because you're cat box is not filled with litter (little kitty got de-clawed - I know I'm mean - anywho) does NOT mean you should pee in my bathroom sink and shit in my shower! I should kill you but you're so fat and cute...the dilemma!

Dear 5 followers (yep 5!): Thank you! You're awesome and if you ever make it to Montana I will buy you alcohol. Promise...or cookies if you don't drink...which is always kind of sad, but I feel your pain.

Dear Blogger: I hate you right now - I can't see my followers so I can't link them to my last point. DAMNIT you're as bad as facebook sometimes!

Letters to my life September 16 edition

2009-09-16T09:49:00.003-06:00

Ok...so in an attempt to not be an epic failure like the BFF Twiggy...thanks for finally updating...anywho - I am going to attempt to do all of my bitching in on this blog in this form once a week or month or year or whenever the hell I feel like it. Hey it's something to do at my boring ass job and it helps me to be less annoyed (or more - not sure). So here goes week 2:

Dear person who's name isn't even worth mentioning: Fuck you and the horse you rode in on. Yep I'm still pissed a week and a half later. I can't believe you insulted me and the bff. So much for me being your "best friend". If this is how you treat people you can keep you. I don't want you anymore me thinks. I know that this may or may not (or probably never will) be over at some point, but I gotta tell ya...I have helped you take care of your kids more than almost anyone else and yet you think that I think kids are such a HUGE burden. Oh wait - THEY ARE, but they are a burden that I would gladly take on for the BFF. Just FYI - her kids will hopefully be potty trained before they are 4 and SHE probably won't feel the need to yell at them ALL THE TIME. So thanks for the eye opener on how important I am to you.

Dear Kitty: I'm soooo sorry you are at the vet getting de-nutted. You're still an asshole though and yes your claws have to go...also, could you please get your cuteness to pay for new carpet? Thankyouverymuch. And again - I feel guilty...but you're still kinda an asshole...

Dear client that doesn't listen: The other attorney is out of town ALL week. Period. The End. ALL WEEK. Quit calling us and asking us if we've heard anything. The answer will be the same no matter what...

Dear client that is an asshole (that was also in here yesterday): Dream on jackass...there is no way you are getting full custody - try away man! Good luck with that...and btw why did you have kids with the bitch? Also, why did you need to bring your girlfriend you fucking pussy? You aren't man enough or she suddenly acquired a law degree? She's about as smart as a left nut you fuckwad. Have you listened to the girl like EVER!?!?

Dear Facebook: I still hate you. You never work right for me...and apparently I'm not the only one. Fix yourself immediately!

Dear Cellphone: I also still hate you...Come Oct 7th we are done! Thank you baby Jesus!

Dear life: Why do you have to be so fucking complicated? Why do you have to shit on the lives of kids? I mean is it really necessary to give a teenager cancer? WTF?!? I mean I think it's shit when it happens to adults, but srsly COME ON!

Dear new baby Aaydan: Welcome Sugar...may your life be everything your parents dream.

Dear little Tristan: Careful when you hit your new brother...I know it's inevitable that you will, but some day he may be bigger than you. He'll remember how you treated him and if your not careful he'll kick your ass. Also, make sure that mom isn't looking when you do. You will get in WAAAAY more trouble if she sees it :)

Dear BFF: I lover you...and your husband (in the dirtiest way possible)...I will be sneaking in to have my weekly tryst with the hubs tonight at 10...you can watch if you'd like :) Oh, and thanks for being pissed at that one chick for me...but you're still an asshole you Edward fantasizing weirdo!

Dear new Twilight movie: Please can't you premiere like a month early so I can stop hearing about this shit!?!?! I mean you are the talk of the town and I got PUT ON HOLD so that the BFF could listen to your new trailer. You are bullshit, but hopefully you are BETTER bullshit than the first movie b/c when Stephanie Meyer said that you shimmer I'm pretty sure she didn't think you'd look like you got rolled in gold glitter glue...justsayinisall!

Dear people who read this: Fake like you follow me...I'm pathetic with only 2 followers. I will make you cupcakes. Ok that's a lie, but I will follow you back...probably, unless your some creepy fat guy who looks like a child molester. If you are I guess ignore this post. And every other post.

Dear everyone who made it this far: Thanks...I now love you more than the BFF - k well maybe not that much but thanks...

Letters to my life...

2009-09-08T11:28:00.002-06:00

okay so a few messages for life and people...basically this should be titled "Shit I wish I could actually vocalize without fear for my life (or job or whatever)"

Dear Billings Drivers: Get a fucking clue. Turn signals are there for a reason...also, you do NOT have to come to a complete stop to turn and YES you can turn left on red from a one way to a one way...

Dear American Solutions: FUCK YOU and FUCK Newt fucking Gingrich! Tell that old fucker to die already would you!

Dear Fate: Quit shitting on Kelly. Thank you.

Dear Clients: It is not my fault you are ridiculously stupid. It is not my fault you married some stupid asshole. It is not my fault that the world does NOT revolve around you no matter how badly you want it to.

Dear Tweet Deck and Facebook: WTH is wrong!?!? Why can't you both just work right!?!?

Dear cellphone: Kiss my ass you piece of shit. I can't wait to run over you until you are in a million little pieces...bastard.

And Dear little kitty: You claw me up you shitass, but the joke is on you - in 9 days you will have your balls cut off and your front claws taken out. I debated the declaw until you destroyed the bottom step. Enjoy your week asshole.

Join the Impact/Prop 8 is bullshit and here's another person who agrees with me on that...

2009-08-24T09:20:00.002-06:00

So I talked about Rachel over at I'm a Mom in Real Life and how she's doing a super cool trip to DC for Join the Impact Chicago...and also how she's doing a super awesome internet campaign to raise money so that she can take a few more people (more people = bigger impact...yes!?!?). Well I talked about it already and so this will be short.
Mom in Real Life Rachel is doing a giveaway to anyone who shows that they support her effort - she has a ton of really great stuff from a bunch of fabulous people. Here is a link to the newest news on Mom in Real Life fundraiser/giveaway.

“I never doubted that equal rights was the right direction. Most reforms, most problems are complicated. But to me there is nothing complicated about ordinary equality.” Alice Paul

Mom In Real Life Fundraiser

2009-08-21T17:52:00.003-06:00

Here is a picture of the blanket that will be part of Mom In Real Life's Fundraiser giveaway - sorry the picture quality is so crappy, I had to use my cell phone. It's dark gray and bright yellow - the yellow is brighter than it looks...

to read about her fundraiser click here

conflict of interest anyone?

2009-08-20T10:43:00.003-06:00

Okay so I marvel at the stupidity of the average person...especially when they have absolutely no clue about anything professional. For those of you who don't know(God I hope you do)...when you work for a professional there is a thing called "conflict of interest" - this can happen in several different ways...at my office it is more often than not because we have represented someone in the past and then that person's ex wants to take them back to court and thinks we should be willing to do it or it's someone that we know way too much about the other party (not always a conflict, but certainly can be). So...that makes sense does it not? And for those of you who don't understand "conflict of interest" get on that shit...it's useful to understand.

Also, there is a thing call attorney/client privilege - it's like dr/patient confidentiality...pretty much exactly like it actually. It means that we can say shit about anyone that is or was a client. Now, that being said the stupidity is rampant and since you don't know our client and whatnot I can totally tell you about things in a very round about you don't know who it is and will NEVER figure it out way...like doctors say "I once had a patient who..." - not very professional, but they can get away with it...usuallly. Whenever we have a conflict (or just someone I don't like) I will send them to various other attorney's...Mostly a man we'll call K.S....this was one that got sent his way...I'm sure he'd thank me if he knew I sent him the crazies!

Anyway that being said here's my conversation with some dumbass that called:

Dumbass: My name is....and I'm calling for my son.
(okay - now this dude sounds ancient - so I'm all "fuck another one of these 'I can't shit without someone there to wipe my ass' people" - not a good way to start off with me...I am your gateway to the attorney in this office)
Me: okay and what can we do for you?
Dumbass: Well he needs to know if you STILL represent .....
Me: I can't tell you that
Dumbass: Oh really, Why?
Me: because whether we do or don't represent .... you know that we may have at one point
Dumbass: Ok. Well he has a couple of kids with....and he needs a lawyer.
Me: To help with the kids he has with her?
Dumbass: Yeah he needs someone to protect him.
Me: Um...that's a conflict of interest.
Dumbass: Oh really WHY?
Me (in my head): (are you fucking kidding me? Srsly you can't figure that one out)
Me (to dumbass): because if we ever represented her there is client privilge.
Dumbass: (long pause) Oh really? well, um....
Me: Okay I'm going to give you K.S. (another attorney)'s number...he's great you should call

And that my friends is how KS gets stuck with our shit storm...I send all the crazy, stupid, or just plain weird people to him...you ARE welcome Mr. S! All my love, J!

Sarah Palin moving to Montana...oh shit

2009-08-19T13:53:00.003-06:00

Here are my and my mother's thoughts on STAR Magazine's report that Rep. Ex-Alaskan Gov. Sarah Palin might move to Montana....they talk about a blog by a man named Jesse Griffin who lives in Alaska - his blog The Immoral Minority (which btw I kinda love) and his August 1 report that the Palin's are "Splitsville" - read about it here. He says, "According to my source Sarah is finished with Todd and has decided to end their marriage. She has purchased land in Montana (I wonder whose donations paid for that?), and may be considering moving herself and the children as far away from Alaska as she can get." Holy shit kids...anyone not living in Montana need a roomie??

This is verbatim from Yahoo IM...

Jesse: Sarah fucking Palin is a sissy weenie girl for someone that the Repub's wanted as VP
LLH: I'm going to pretend like I still know how to work now
Jesse: oh fuck and she's talking about moving here!
Jesse: She wants to relocate to MONTANA
Jesse: SHIT!
LLH: FUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LLH: she won't end in Eastern Montana / it's too dry and hot and she's a sissy
Jesse: haha - that's great - it's in Star magazine so we'll see if it happens, but crapity crap if it does...I don't want her to ruin the Western Part either though!
LLH: we'll just have to knock her to the ground (inadvertently of course) and show her how she doesn't belong here
Jesse: no shit - she thinks she's tough being from alaska...let her try on some Montana tough
LLH: she going to run for governor here / bet you money / red state / Schwitzer is reaching his term limit
Jesse: fuck her - no way!
LLH: we'll have to move to Alaska to get away from her
Jesse: haha - no shit huh!?!
LLH: I'm almost as funny as you

and that kids is why my mom is one of the coolest, funniest people ever! Apparently, we're moving to Alaska! FML

Come on people now, smile on your brother, everybody get together, try to love one another right now!

2009-08-19T09:42:00.005-06:00

okay so I realize that maybe no one will see this, and I did NOT write this - I totally stole it off of mominreallife's blog...However, Rachel and I have been tweeting back and forth about her cause which you can read more about here, here, and mostly here. You can also FAN her cause on facebook. Now being that my mom is a lesbian and I have many many gay friends and family I find these posts to be very poignant...I am in full support of Rachel and what she is trying to accomplish. May the march in Washington be successful and may we ALL be EQUAL soon! Thank you for your effort mominreallife!

I post this with no regrets

Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Today I am being what will be considered in the blogging world as "passive aggressive". But I'm annoyed and you guys know that I am not one to bite my tongue....
Hell I am more than annoyed, I'm actually a little pissed.

After I say this will it help? Not sure, don't care.

As all of you know I am working very hard to try to raise money for my LGBTQ cause and I am FLOORED by the help I have received. I mean it. I seriously have had tears in my eyes multiple times during this journey. But just as there is as a ton of support going on, I also notice some silence.
Am I mad if someone doesn't donate? Not in the slightest. In this economy, or even a good economy, not everyone has the ability to give money.
Am I mad if someone doesn't post this on their blog? If I contacted you and you gave me a reason why, then no I am not. Your blog is your space. If you want to keep politics out of it, I understand.
Am I mad if you don't RT anything at all about this?
Yes.

I watch people RT about giveaways, other bloggers, humorous things, their own blog. But they can't do the simple cut & paste for a good cause? That is frustrating. What makes it worse as that some people enjoy the "Gay culture" but can't do the simplest action?
Did you squeal with excitement/jealousy when you heard Tim Gunn was going to be at Blogher? So you will take a picture with a gay man, but not help him out?
What are your reasons?

Do you not like me? Fine, I really don't give two shits, but then treat me like the Perez Hilton of the fight. Annoying as hell but still doing the right thing. Don't let your feelings for me punish the people that need your help.

Do you not have any feelings (good/bad) about the cause? Your apathy is killing the movement and in a sense, it's killing members of the LGBTQ community. The longer our politicians can stall on the Hate Crime bill the longer the country is told that a LGBTQ life is less than a yours. The longer that the government stalls on granting partners relationship rights, the longer a sick LGBTQ has family that they may not have seen in decades making medical decisions for them, rather than the partner they have shared their bed with for 20 years.

Do you think I am thinking I am better than you? Well I don't! Every penny, every new reader, every bit of attention I get is because of you guys! If a blogger tweets in the internet, and no one RT's, is she really being heard?
Not in the slightest.

So there, I said it all.
I'm sure some of you think I'm talking about you.
I'm sure some of you are pissed off at me.
But before you go ranting on the internet take a long hard look at yourself. Why do you think I'm talking about you? Is it because you fall under the categories I spoke about?
Which is worse? Me calling you out, or you turning your back on the LGBTQ community

Apathy is no longer an excuse.

"Be the change you want to see in the world" Ghandi

I realized another problem...

2009-08-13T14:19:00.001-06:00

this blog is known to far too many people that I know (that number being like 3 - but still). I cannot talk about some shit on here because of the fear that these people might talk. Fuck! I can't tell my funny stories about my friends getting it on up on The Rims (yep - that's what they're called), I can't talk about them fucking complete strangers, and worse yet - I can't talk about my crazy best friends...or can I - ladies weigh in...will you be offended if I talk about you and no one else knows it's you? You know who you are - also, what if I'm pissed at you and go off...will that upset you (Pister - you know I mean you, right?)?

I can't write anything funny...but it doesn't matter anyway

2009-07-30T13:50:00.002-06:00

okay so it's been forever - well only a couple of months, but still - since I updated. I seriously read every blog that is listed on my page here...srsly every new post. Both of those things being said I realized A) Those people are funny as hell B) I'm funny as hell, but I have no funny stories to blog about C) it doesn't matter b/c no one reads this shit anyway. So if anyone who might stumble upon this blog can think of any stories that I may have please feel free to leave me a comment. (If people actual read this I would tell funny stories about people from work, but since no one does I would only be entertaining myself...Kara those are out)

5 years ago today...my life changed forever...

2009-05-30T09:34:00.004-06:00

"You can shed tears that she is gone,
or you can smile because she has lived.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her and only that she's gone,
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind, be empty, and turn your back,
or you can do what she'd want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on."
(She's Gone by Anonymous)

Kathryn Ann Rae Zednick left our world a better place 5 years ago today. Enveloped in love and music with Kevin and Martha by her side, she joined her mother, father, and sister in what she once called Paradise. To those she left behind it feels like an eternity and yet it still feels like yesterday. Kate was a kind, compassionate, and loving person and as so left behind many who remember her fondly.

Born February 2, 1952 to John and Jeanne Rae, she was already a spitfire. She grew up in Roundup with her sister, Carole and brother, John. She was an active child and grew into an active adult. She believed boredom was only a state of mind, and that one should never allow herself to be bored. Kate was far from boring and was rarely bored for long. She graduated from Roundup High School and went on to Montana State University Bozeman for her undergraduate degree and then Washington, where she obtained her Masters in Social Work. She worked for the state for a while, but eventually opened her own practice. Kate was very well loved by her many patients throughout the years and in returned she loved them too. It was during her time in private practice that Kate discovered her passion for alternative medicine. She loved learning about new types of treatment and teaching them to others. This passion turned into a new path. Kate became a Reiki master. She loved Reiki, the people it brought to her, and the people to whom it brought her. She was skilled at explaining what Reiki does and making people feel at ease. It seemed to be the perfect fit. Eventually during her life Kate would move from Montana to the Virgin Islands and fulfill her life-long dream to live by the ocean. She was very happy there and loved the people and scenery.

She left behind many who loved her including: Kevin Wickenburg (her love), friend Martha Wynne-Ferro and her husband Tom, friends Elizabeth and Rick Jenkins, son Casey Zednick and his wife Yukari, daughter Jessica Lofland, daughter of her heart Jesse Harris, brother John Rae and his wife Susan (and their 3 boys), special ex Linda Harris, special cousins the Robbins girls, nephew Jeremy Rae, and many many others who will always remember her.

** I know there are parts that seem incomplete and for that I'm sorry, but it's still a little stingy to talk about some stuff. So since there was never an obit I decided to write my own memorial one...

Return to Life by Miguel Angel Ruiz

2009-04-18T12:57:00.003-06:00

This a poem that Kate once gave to me. It took on new meaning when I was finally able to "talk" to her best friend and find out the entire story behind her (Kate) death. I will miss you eternally Mama Kate, but I am grateful for the kindness of your friend(s). Thank you for picking such special people to share with me. I will miss you every day of my life, but at least now I can mend the hole...

I waken
and nothing is the same.
For the first time,
I open my eyes,
These eyes of mine
I long believed could see
and find that all I knew as true
was nothing but a false dream.

Then, like a radiant star,
The Angel of Death,
The Angel of Life became
And transformed my dream
From a dream of fear,
To a joyful comedy.

So surprised, I ask the Angel,
"Am I dead?"
She replies,
"Yes, for these many years, though your heart beat on,
Your mind slept in the grave illusion
Unconscious of you Divinity.:

"Now, with heart beating,
And body breathing,
Your mind has wakened from hell,
Renewed, your eyes
Admire the beauty awaiting you."

"Your divine awareness awakens
All the love in your being.
Hating and fearing forsaken,
Gone are the guilt and the blame.
Your soul forgives,
Your Divinity Lives."

My eyes, in fascination
Stare at the Angel
Sensing the truth waking in me.
I surrender, willingly,
Without condition.
Humbly receiving
Death and Life,
To Hell, I release all claim
And with new eyes,
See my eternal love...leaving

The shit show called my illness...

2009-04-01T11:50:00.002-06:00

So is it just me or do doctors not seem to care what you tell them? I hate doctors and now I'm remembering why. I went to the doctor he ran a bunch of tests, put me on some really really expensive medication, and now is like well keep taking the medication even if it's making things worse. It's giving me nightmares, insomnia, and making the nausea I've had worse. I talked to his nurse and asked if there is a reason they have me on an acid reducer and she was like well it doesn't really say and that the doctor said that if I didn't want to take it I didn't have to. So my question is why did they even bother to put me on that after my endoscopy -- wouldn't they have seen if my stomach was making excess acid?? Maybe I wouldn't be so confused if ANYONE there could explain the results to me. So now I still feel like crap - have spent thousands of dollars I don't have - and still have no answers - yay me...I have a call into my regular physician who is actually a PA not a DR but at least she's semi-helpful and willing to listen to me!

Doctors don't know shit...esp. mine

2009-03-27T09:38:00.002-06:00

okay so I got an endoscopy - for those of you who don't know...this is where they knock you out and shove a teeny-tiny camera down your throat...and for the record my throat now hurts and my stomach isn't any better. This endoscopy didn't show Mr. GI Doc anything apparently. So he put me on some pills that cost $211/month - yep $211.00 per month! WTF!? I cannot afford such luxuries as overly expensive pills. All of this and I still have to eat radioactive eggs for him next week. Apparently they will x-ray me every 15 minutes to see how fast my stomach does/doesn't work. Whatever...all of this is what they tell me after I have been to 3 different docs about 10 different times. I just want to know what the hell is wrong with me so that I can go back to my job and normal life...apparently that is TOO much to ask.

On another note...Susan Serandon was on the View today...she was fabulous for what I saw, but I just couldn't get past how annoying Elisabeth Hasselbeck is...I'm telling you this is what my life has come to...Watching The View and ordering way too much crap online all the while feeling like shit...sad...

February 2, 1952

2009-02-02T10:01:00.003-07:00

I wasn't even born yet. I wasn't even thought of yet. Not even a twinkle in my parent's eyes at that point. I don't know what the weather was like. I don't know what Roundup, Billings, Shepherd, or Lockwood, Montana looked like on that day. Hot, cold, snowy...I have no idea. I can't remember that part of the story. All I know about that day is that it was the day one of the most significant people to every be in my life was born that day. She was named after her parents child that was born before her and died shortly after birth. Her name was Kathryn Ann Rae, she would be 57 today and I wish that I had written down every story, every detail, everything that she had ever told me. She was my "Mama Kate" and she is one of the biggest reasons that I'm glad my mom is gay. I would not be a fraction of the person I am today without her. In her life she taught me a lot. She taught me about boys and periods, makeup and backstabbers, how to fight fair (and sometimes unfair). She helped teach me how to stand up for myself, to tell the truth, to love people even if they aren't blood relatives, to be kind and patient, and mostly how to be myself. She taught me about Reiki, massage therapy, Mandala's, and all things "airy fairy". She taught to me to try and be the best version of me I can be on any given day and that even when I'm not the greatest person - she will still love me and so will mom even when she looks like she wants to kill me (I already knew all of this, but she definitely cemented it). She introduced me to my friend forever, Alissa and her parents. She introduced me to temporary friends, Martha, Liz, Sue, and Sheila. She took me to Chico for Reiki gatherings and Easter with mom and Casey, to Yellowstone Park just because we wanted to take a "mother/daughter" trip, she took to me Yellowstone Park because Liz's niece was here and again with mom, we went to Arizona every single year. She took me with her to Roundup at least once a month to see her family. When her dad died - we were around. When her mom died I skipped a week of school to be there. When her sister and my grandfather died in the same month she made sure that I was ok and asked me to come to her sister's funeral. There aren't many memories from the time I was 11 until I was 16 where she was around somewhere. She moved out when I was 16, moved to the Virgin Islands somewhere around 17. We talked every week and most of the time we talked a few times a week. We e-mailed on the days we didn't talk. We had such plans and she would always be sure to tell me that I would only get better as I got older. She would tell me stories of her and her friends discussing what my life would be like and how I would accomplish such great things. So many stories and so many more memories that can't even be described. She died in May of 2004. I don't deal with the grief well and it's still there everyday, but today sucks worst of all because she would be 57 and 57 isn't very old at all. I miss her every single day. I probably always will. Happy Birthday Mama Kate. I miss you and love you...

New President

2009-01-20T14:52:00.004-07:00

Okay - sorry Republican friends, but srsly had to...I'm just too moved...

So I've been following the Inauguration off and on all day and I have to say -- It is AMAZING.
Not just because I voted for Obama, but because we as a country have come so far in past 40 years. We as a country have our first African American president. A FIRST for us. A beautiful, amazing, inspiring, historical first. Whether you are a democrat or republican you have to agree that you weren't sure you would ever see the day that we didn't elect a WHITE MAN to office. I mean I was absolutely positive that it would happen in my lifetime (because I'm enthusiastic like that), but I wasn't sure my mom would get to see what her generation (and the generation before that) fought so hard to achieve. It's fun to find myself caught up in the moment. Never have I ever watched so closely a President of the United States be sworn into office. I watched his speech with my mom - the person who taught me how truly meaningful it is for our country to have just sworn this man into office (thanks mom). This man who is African American, in this very moment in time. This moment she thought she would never see. My mom was born in 1950. She saw what John F. Kennedy started in his presidency and Lyndon B Johnson followed through with. She saw Martin Luther King Jr and Rosa Parks fight, she saw desegregation efforts. She saw as the government passed the Voting Rights Act of 1965. She saw Martin Luther King, Jr.'s speech and more than that she too saw his dream. She was young and white, but poor and compationate. She knew our country need a change then. She was elated to see the change and saddened by the deaths of JFK and MLK, Jr. And today of all days my mother cried at the huge step that we as a country have taken toward equal rights. Today she got to see what a generation of people thought they would only dream about happen. I got to see her dreams come true. I got to see the stories she told me make a difference and allow us to elect this very intellegent, capable man to office regardless of the color of his skin. As MLK, Jr. said "I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character." Well, Dr. King, I do believe we just got one step closer.

25

2009-01-14T14:52:00.004-07:00

So far I have to say that 25 feels just like 24 except for the part where I chopped off my hair. As you can see I had very long, gorgeous hair. I loved it...I'm really into my hair...srly really into it.

So the day started out a little shitty. I didn't feel very good when I woke up. - sidebar - children are germ mongers and that's probably the reason why I didn't feel good. Anyway, I was late for work, but I have awesome friends and family and got a ton of birthday wishes like first thing. The first one was actually from my friend Judy - who just happened to have been my 5th grade teacher. I didn't pick up the phone because, well, I was already hella late for work. So it was all good - she left a really funny message and I was on my way. So I got to work at 8:25 (supposed to be there at 8 - oops). My mom was already on the way to court and I felt like shit so I didn't really mind that I didn't have to listen to the client she had to go to court with. The rest of the morning was spent trying to kind of work and joking around with Kara about "old balls". She kept telling me I have them now and I kept reminding her that she had them first. It's a really long story, but I digress. So after that we played dots and I beat her 2 out of 3 times. HAHA! So 10:30 rolls around and it's time for my nail appt which is swiftly followed by the big chopping of the hair expedition. Nail appointment was awesome, I love my Shelly. I was still sick and so freakin' nervous. When it actually came time to cut my hair, JoHanna (my dear sweet hair lady/girl), was all about letting me reconsider (she's knows I dig my hair a lot). But I went through with it because it was either chop it all off or be annoyed longer....and...
I wouldn't look at myself until she washed it first off. Second, I am so glad I did it! I have a shit ton of hair and I am donating it to Beautiful Lengths (I've already donated to Locks of Love before). Beautiful Lengths makes real hair wigs for adult women with cancer. It was important to me to help someone that others might over look. I figure that if I were to get cancer and lose my hair I would freak...so other people must struggle with it too. 25 just seemed like a good time to make a change.
Anyway - I got like 20 posts on Facebook telling me happy b-day and managed to thank every single one of them. I got ooh's and ahh's over my new do. My mom tried to make my b-day kind of important even though she kind of pussed out. She was tired so I told her we'd do dinner another night - she's had a lot going on. My awesome neices told me I was the best aunt in the whole world....and my friend Ana made me dinner and there was a new episode of my show: Law and Order: Special Victims Unit. All in all a good day...except the fact that I found out Mariska Hargitay has a partially collapsed lung...not my favorite, but that's another story.
So I just want to say thanks to everyone who made yesterday a great b-day and let 25 slide w/o it being too hard...25 is one of my scary ages...

Shit days...and curse words

2009-01-08T14:23:00.003-07:00

**be warned I'm in a bad mood - there will be swear words kids -
January 8th. I hate January 8th. The only good thing that ever happened on January 8th was my mom, with the possible exception of Kara's mom who also was born on January 8th. It's just one of those days that my mom and I expect for bad things to happen. I've missed the bus, missed class, been late for work, Kate left, and now mom is in a very uncomfortable meeting with someone that I have come to despise. It's like nothing good can happen on January 8th. I have no idea what's going on in her meeting and it feels like I'm going to puke because of it. Fucking January 8th - what a crock! Something good might be happening or something bad. I have no idea. This isn't anything that's any of my business either. I mean it's not like the world will end even if it's bad news, but come on, it's my mom's birthday. No she's not dying and yeah it will be fine in the end, but why do the most annoying people have to interrupt her birthday. She wanted to skip it this year and I said no...maybe that was a mistake...so I took care of everything but dinner and cake yesterday. This way it's only kind of her birthday. In other news I've come to realize that I only use this blog to vent. Oh well, it's my blog and I'll bitch if I want to...So today has just been a shit day all around. I'm not loving our clients, really not loving who we office share with, and pissed that people have to rain on my mom's birthday parade. The chick that we office share with has been extra annoying lately. She likes to wait until I look like I'm doing something (which it frequently does b/c I am constantly staring at the computer) and then come into my office and sit down. After she sits she proceeds to tell me all about why her criminal clients got the shit end of the stick. I'm supposed to be nice, but one of these days I swear I'm going to have a Jim Carey moment and tell her to just say "Quit breaking the law asshole" - and that will be the end of it. She represents criminals for shit's sake. I mean what the hell does she expect. They break the law over and over again because she keeps getting them off (okay well sometimes she gets them off). GAWD I hate stupid people...I was late for work today - as usual - only to come in and have my mom tell me we get to see 2 super annoying people today - oh yay! NOT! Then I'm here and I'm talking to my mom and start to cry (for those of you who don't know - I'm NOT a crier). I hate crying and I did it twice today. Fine, fine - I quit being a baby and mom goes to court. Then I'm frantically looking for the answer to my questions on line (never did find one anyway, but that the government for you). So finally I go to lunch and now I'm just really pissy. Hey though I didn't have to wait long to get mom and I lunch and Baskin Robbins made a really nice cake for her b-day so there's a plus. Then I get to Target and read a b-day card for her and it starts to make me cry again - srsly wtf - are my tear ducts broken, did I spring a leak? Fine whatever...got back from lunch, made mom cry and was informed that another annoying asshole was also coming in today and that Kara's mom was having a shitty b-day too. WTF -- when it rains it pours...ahhhhhhh!

It's snowing...therefore I feel Christmas is upon us...FINALLY!

2008-12-02T15:09:00.004-07:00

It is with that in mind that I post this blog.

I love the Christmas season. I think it's magical...even if that's a bit cheesy. I love the snow, the hot cocoa, the sleds, the lights, Santa, the movies, the trees, the blankets, the cuddles, the clothes, the candy canes, and I love what the season is supposed to stand for even though it seems to be more and more rare these days. I love Christmas all the way up until everyone starts talking about the same ol' same ol' crap of Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays or what am I going to get? It sucks the fun right out of it. I don't mind that people are excited about their gifts, but instead of thinking about what they could be giving they are just thinking about what they are getting. Now I may or may not have anything to open on Christmas (I got my gift from my mom way early and other family just gives them out whenever...as do I). That being said, I will probably wrap my early gift just so I don't have to be sad about being alone on Christmas morning. I know it's weird after all I just said about gifts, but it's the little kid in me, which is why I don't judge for wanting gifts (but can't you think of what to give, too?). However, to me Christmas is mostly about love, family, faith, new hope, giving, joy, and kindness. I try (and several people I know) to be extra better at this time of year. I try to be all the things I wish I could be all the time: funny, compassionate, energetic, giving, selfless, etc. I try to be more spiritual, traditional, and overall more kind. Did I mention I love Christmas when it's snowy and cold? It just doesn't seem like Christmas here unless there is snow...it's one of the only times I truly appreciate Montana. I sometimes wonder what Christmas means to other people...feel free to comment on this one for sure. Also, if anyone Jewish reads this, does it seriously bother you if I say Merry Christmas instead of Happy Holidays? 'Cause I'm telling ya I don't care what people say in regards to that Happy Hanukkah, Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Happy Kwanzaa, whatever is fine with me as long as they're nice.

Anyway the point to this blog was that as I was thinking about all the Christmas things I was narrowing my list down to the people I absolutely want to do something for...it looks like this Kara, Ana, Kendrick, Bailey, Brother, Mom, Dad, Other mom, Gramma, Sister and her kids. Pretty short list, right? Then I realize I should do something for Shelley, Mitchell, my sponsored child, and my friend Lynna who is overseas in Afghanistan and won't be home for Christmas. I also want to donate several toys to "Toys for Tots." So that is why I am sharing the this next link. In trying to figure out what I can get for different people I came across this site that I thought I would share: About.com 101 Great Gifts to Make - some pretty good ideas. Some of the ideas are awesome and I know I would love getting them from someone. However, if you have other links or ideas I am always up for more options.

Oh and let me be one of the first to say "MERRY CHRISTMAS!"

I suck at life...but mostly my job.

2008-11-25T11:02:00.004-07:00

So as you guys (or at least the people who I know actually read occasionally) know I work for my mom. She is a divorce lawyer and I have to say divorcees are the biggest pain in the ass. I mean seriously they think the world should revolve around them. It's not like we have over 100 active cases at any given time or anything. They are like selfish children - you know the kind that you want to smack in the face. Ok - that being said...part of my job should probably be client relations. I should probably try to be nice, helpful, and understanding. I want to be nice and I want to help them, but God they make it hard. They call 3 sometimes 4 times a day and expect me to have a different answer. All I want to say to them is something a very wise person said long ago "the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result." That being said these people's behavior is usually half of the problem as it is. Do we have no boundries anymore kids? For a real-life example, well I went to the house (that the big ex is living in), last night and she got pissed because I wanted _____. Well no I didn't call, she didn't tell me I needed to...Well no I was nice about it...No I didn't yell at her...etc. Funny enough the big Ex always has a different story, he was an asshole and blah blah blah....which is frankly more likely anyway. Now what do you say to a person who has no boundaries? I'm finding you CAN'T say anything. If you do say something you risk your boss (aka the mom) getting in deep shit...As you know I'm not a quiet person...I'm quite opionated. Now as far as sucking at life...
This job has made me almost entirely anti-marriage (no offense ladies, I'm glad you are cool with it...I find it very brave, frankly), I can sometimes barely stand talking to one of my friend's who is getting divorced (I cannot help you if you do not help yourself), I basically have given up on anything remotely close to the sancitity of marriage (I mean seriously divorce is the problem with marriage, not a loving gay relationships where people may or may not want to be married), I have found that people will use any excuse to fight (generally these are about none other than the all-mighty dollar), and that people really don't usually care about the kid(s) if they can screw the EX over (which is the worst part of all, they didn't make the choices in your life - YOU did). So how is it that I can do my job with out sucking at it? Anyone? Sadly, the honest to gosh worst part of it is that I like my job about half the time. When it's all quiet and people are calm and we can do our thing without having to babysit - things are awesome. I can get a lot done. I can help people if they'll let me and I get to work with my mom (whom I adore mind you - she's the shit). I like about 15% of our clients and I have to say they make my job worth it. I think mom feels the same way...although she discourages me going into law...hmmm?? So what do you guys think I should be when I grow up? Seriously I would like suggestions because mostly what I have is loser, lawyer, or shrink...that's a short list if you ask me. Anywhoser...

Letter to my very Liberal, Loving, Lesbian mother

2008-11-06T09:41:00.004-07:00

If you are a Republican or very religious or even very closed-minded - please take my word and do NOT read this - if you do chose to read and don't agree I really don't care so please don't waste your time leaving a comment...I will just erase it. Yes that is me myself being closed-minded, but it is a very personal letter that I wrote my mom at 12:47 MST on 11/5/08. It reflects very personal and strong opinions and is very much a part of who I am. I am also sorry if I offend any Republicans that might not be an "average" Republican. I understand that because I don't agree with all of the Democratic ways of thinking, not all Republicans will feel the same either...sorry for stereotyping, but hey that's life. I am stereotyped all day long. That being said....

Obama didn't win Yellowstone - and I'm guessing when I wake up in 7 hours he will not have won MT and we will still be the same backward looking, conservative, non-progressive state that makes me want to move. Part of the reason I have little desire to reside in MT in the long run is because we cannot seem to look past ourselves and do what is best for the whole. We cannot put the separation of Church and State in our hearts...most people here are conservative Repubs b/c God says so...which as you know makes no sense to me. I believe in freedom of religion. I also believe that I should be free from having anothers religion pushed on me. Marriage therefore should either A - not be a religious act (as that seems to me to be a double edged sword under the 1st Amendment) or B) if marriage is a relgious act the government should only recognize civil unions for everyone (that would be real separation). I also believe that although I am not "Pro" Abortion, I am Pro Choice. I am against the government telling me what I can and cannot do with my body. I believe that Republicans don't want to be told what to do with their money and their rights (as many have stated), but they are willing to tell others what they do or do not have the right to do. That is why I am a Democrat. I don't believe that the middle class should be punished for not having as much money as the upper class, therefore I am for lowering middle class taxes and raising upper class taxes. I believe that by not equalizing taxes we are going back to the ancient caste system where unless (esentially) a miracle happens you cannot move between classes. I believe that even if you are born poor it is not of your own volition and that status should not limit were you are allowed to go in life. I believe that to some extent we not only should, but must help others, especially to the extend that they are willing to help themselves. I believe that I should have the right to marry whomever I please without judgement, if Christian conservatives feel a need to judge me for these beliefs that's fine too. No one will always agree with me all the time all the way. If they don't agree with me, however, they quote the bible...which again defeats the purpose of church and state. Our forefathers came to this country and purposely put a separation of church and state in our Amendments. I am of the religion "do unto others as you would have them do unto you." I am not perfect and I am sometimes judgemental....my judgement usually passes. I usually come to the conclusion that it is not always my way and it is not always about me and that some people will always be the way they are. They see nothing wrong with themselves and I can't change that (even if I know better :). I am an elistist and I do believe that I am smarter and more tolerant than many other people. I was raised in a small town with conservative values that I myself did not agree with. I learned to be tolerant because I had to be. I too was outnumbered. I love my country, but I am ashamed of what it has become. I believe that we are in need of a great and momentous change in our country. I hope that Barack Obama and the soon to be democratically controlled Congress can achieve a change that Americans, and more importantly, the world can be proud of. Today at this very moment, while I worry about Montana, I am proud of our country. I am proud that for the first time in American history a black man was considered an acceptable candidate for presidency. I am even more proud that we voted him into office on the first try, not the second or third, the first. I too have a dream like Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. I too "have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: 'We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal." I believe that no matter race, religion, sexual orientation, or gender our country is founded and prides itself on that very phrase..."We hold these truths to be self-evident, that ALL men (and now women) are created equal." We have an African AMERICAN president elect...those things that your generation fought for mom, those dreams you had for your children, your children's children, and your children's children's children are coming true. I only hope that my generation can be so passionate and progressive...even though unlike your generation we will likely never need to be. Thank you mom for your part in teaching me right from wrong, truth, compassion, and forward thinking. Thank you for your part in changing this country and may I change the world in a myriad of small, but significant (or even insignificant) ways. I love you and I am glad that we got to witness this huge step in our country's history together!

Failure

2008-10-14T15:52:00.002-06:00

So I had a conversation with my kinda cousin, Cathy, today. See she was apparently uninvited, but really never was formally invited, we just assumed she'd be coming to dinner today. She was probably reading too much into it and some how it turned into - my brother helps financially so I'm a loser. What she meant by this was that she isn't as successful as her brother. Now Michael is a wonderful person and I really don't think he feels that way. I mean he is very successful, he has a fantastic job, he speaks Japanese (fluently), lives in San Jose (one of the most expensive places to live in the country), is obviously very educated, and doesn't really want for anything, he's funny, smart, kind, and very loved - so yes he would be considered successful. But, are these qualities any more important than the fact that he has a wonderful life partner, he's funny, kind, and loving. So, what really makes someone successful? Is it all about money or is it about life? Cat is a college graduate, has a good job at FedEx, 3 wonderful kids, a fiance who loves her, she has been a "big sister" to me and at least 2 others, she's a kind friend, funny, and smart. Does it really matter that her brother helps her afford the house she is in? She was in the house first because of a divorce, then because her mother needed help, and now she and her fiance are going to try to buy the house from her brother...does that make her a failure? My brother is very successful in his work, but moves around a lot and is lonely. Does the fact that he makes more money than me make him more successful? I have a good job, a new car, I'm thinking about buying the condo I'm in, I have great friends and a wonderful family. I also have a college degree and am looking at going to more school. So what is the real measure of success? Money doesn't make a person successful - as an anonymous person once said, "To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; to leave the world a little better; whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is the meaning of success."

8's

2008-10-01T15:19:00.000-06:00

Okay - so I was tagged by Stacers and I am very tired and don't want to work so here goes...

8 TV SHOWS I LIKE TO WATCH
1. Law and Order: Special Victims Unit - booyah
2. Little People Big World
3. John and Kate plus 8 - I know weird
4. Unwrapped
5. Sex and the City
6. Days of Our Lives - rarely, but it does happen
7. Friends
8. Gilmore Girls - again - cheesy but what can I say

8 FAVORITE RESTAURANTS
1. Texas Roadhouse
2. Buffalo Wild Wings
3. Red Robin
4. Mustard Seed
5. The Rex - when I want something fancy -which isn't often
6. Mom's house
7. My house
8. Olive Garden

8 THINGS THAT HAPPENED YESTERDAY
1. I woke up
2. Came to work
3. went to lunch
4. back to work
5. drove home
6. talked to some people on the phone
7. Watched a new episode of my favorite show (SVU)
8. couldn't sleep

8 THINGS I LOOK FORWARD TO
1. figuring out what to do with my life
2. my dad coming up on Saturday and helping him with cows
3. The book with my dad on the cover coming out
4. buying a house
5. falling in love
6. moving somewhere else to fall back in love with MT
7. Mirandy moving back to Montana - me too
8. FINDING MYSELF

8 THINGS ON MY WISH LIST
1. I wish that I would find a guy worth falling in love with
2. I wish that I could find a way to make my dreams come true
3. I wish that mom wasn't so stressed
4. I wish that Kate was still alive
5. I wish that the people I loved would never ever leave
6. I wish I could eat what I want and stay skinny - agreed
7. I wish our economy wasn't in the crapper so bad
8. I wish I was rich enough to take care of my family forever and none of them have to work

8 PEOPLE I AM TAGGING
1. Kara
2. Jackie - even though Stacy did
3. Stacy - because she already did it and I'm a cheater and she's already a guarantee
4-10 anyone else who wants to b/c I don't know anyone

Stress...and rambling

2008-09-16T09:46:00.001-06:00

I miss the ocean....whoosaaa
So I get to work yesterday and my boss who is also my mother very poignantly says to me and I quote "you look tired." Now is it just me or does that statement actually mean "you look like shit." Thanks mom!! Anyway, I digress. So I started thinking about why I would "look tired." I think the problem was that I am actually exhausted. My mood has moved beyond tired. I don't sleep a lot and when I do it's not that oh so good, nothing can interrupt it, deep, dreamy type. It's more like...sleep, cat runs through, sleep, neighbors home, sleep, weird dream, sleep...oh shit alarm clock. It's interesting to me though. This pattern of my life has me wondering if it's really that I can't sleep or if it's more or less that I'm stressed out. If I'm honest with myself I know that it's the latter, but come on - I mean seriously - what the hell do I have to be so stressed about? I mean I'm a college graduate so I don't have school. I work for my mom so it's not like I have a nasty boss...for the most part. I have a few really good friends to support me. I have an amazingly encouraging family. I truly thought that once I was done with school life would be more carefree. It's not like I even changed jobs once I graduated. But college graduation leaves all kinds of new and potentially life changing decisions. It means that I have to decide whether to go on to Law School just plain Grad School. I have to decide if I even want to go to more school for that matter. If I do decide to go to more school that means new entrance exams...can we say LSAT people! Yikes! Then if I do pass these exams I have to decide where to go to school...to stay in MT or not to stay...that is the question. After all is said and done I will have to relocate. I hate packing and moving (which is probably the reason I haven't decided what to do yet). But it's still not done there. In the end I will have more school, another graduation, and a whole new set of decisions. The worst part of it being...I don't even know where to start with any of it. Now on to work. I work at a law firm. We do divorce and child custody cases, that's it. That's our sole purpose. It's not the boss - it's the mini-bosses (i.e. the crazy clients) that are the hard part. This is one of those businesses where it isn't unlikely to hear from the same person 3 times a week, if not 3 times a day...enough said. As for good friends (you know the ones that you spend time with, not just talk about how you should spend time with them)...well beyond Kara...I think I might need some new ones. I'm not shy about stating that for the most part I am not fond of people my own age. People older than me are not fond of people my age. What's a girl to do? Making new friends in this town is challenging, especially because I don't share the same interests as most people in their 20's. Don't get my wrong, the friends I do have are fine, but Kara is the only one who seems to have her crap together, but she's working 2 jobs and has her own stress. Of my other close friends, one lives at home and works for the union...living at home at damn near 25 is NOT having your shit together; the other close friend is 23, has a 3-year-old and 8 month old, no job, no money, and is getting divorced. Now I know that its selfish to think that this might be a source of stress for me when she is going through so much right now. However, as much as I love her, she doesn't listen. I told her to get a part time job when they were going to file for divorce the first time, I told her to save her money and get an attorney, I told her to be an adult about things. She didn't do any of these things. I get that it's her life, blah blah blah, but why ask if you are just going to disregard what I say? She is now a week into her new divorce proceedings and still has no job, no money, and no attorney. I know that you are now thinking why not ask my attorney mother to help, right? Well, because I don't want her involved. Plain and simply put it's not her job to rescue my friends. We've tried before and failed miserably. I promised myself that I would never put my mom or myself in that position again and I am holding on to that. I don't lend friends large sums of money so I won't help that way. Again, been there, done that. Not that she's asking...I made it clear in the beginning that she should even think about asking. It sounds cold, yes, but mind you - I asked her not to get married at 18 and told her that I thought having another baby was a bad idea...I guess what I'm saying is that I don't understand why my friends don't just learn that I am almost always right about what will happen in other peoples lives even if I do kinda suck at my own. So these are apparently the reasons I am stressed....good to know...and if you get to this point before you decide I'm rambling...I'm sorry you had to read about my feeling sorry for myself even though I know that I am a very blessed and loved individual. If He brings you to it, He'll bring you through it, right? Or for the less religious...This too shall pass. I'll just rub my ears and chant a little "whoosaaaaaa" now.

9/11/01

2008-09-11T14:27:00.001-06:00

(the photo on the right is a part of public domain from the Dept. of Defense found via flickr; the lights shine up from "Ground Zero" where the World Trade Centers once stood)

So it's been 7 years since the towers fell and I'm not sure how to feel about it. I realize that no one probably will read this and it surely won't be in a timely matter. Therefore my Sept 11 ramblings will go unnoticed. However, that being said, I live in Montana. It's a long way from NYC. Though I have never been there I have a great respect for the city. It's loud and busy, but people who live there generally love it. I remember 9/11/01 in a hazy blur. I started my day, just like all the others. I got up and got ready for my senior year of high school. Got in my car and picked Meaghan up. I remember her getting in my car and saying something along the lines of, "A plan hit the World Trade Center." Of course, I like everyone else, was hoping it was just a joke. She assured me it wasn't so we turned on the radio and went to school in silence and shock. I remember getting to school that day and every single classroom had a television in it. They were all on and we all watched in suspense...knowing what was going to happen and praying it wouldn't. I remember thinking, "How did this happen here? How did it happen in the United States?" Then they fell. I remember the entire class gasping. We were all shocked. I remember some of us wept, while others seemed so nonchalant about it. Even saying things like, "So what - NYC is a long way from us. Who cares?" I remember those comments and how angry they made me. Almost 3,000 people from around 90 different countries were dead. Millions of lives were changed in an instant. I remember hearing them talk about the brave rescue workers who died, I remember the talk of men and women calling home to say their final good-byes, I remember the nation weeping together as one people. I remember thinking in my own selfishness, "dad's a fireman...what if that happened to me," and crying for all the people who would never see that special person again. That was a day that color, religion, class, status, all of the things we classify one another by, just melted away. I remember a nation pulled together in sadness and outrage in the following months, even years. Now we are at war. I have a friend in Afghanistan. She been there a few times. She signed up for the military before we even graduated from high school. She's smart, funny, and beautiful. I don't see her or talk to her, but I think of our troops, especially mine, often and I send up a little prayer. So I wonder, on this 7th anniversary, do we still remember? Does it still hurt or have we all moved on? I can't answer this question for everyone. I can only answer for myself. I have not moved beyond caring, but I am lucky. The events that unfolded that day aren't a part of my everyday life. I live far away from them. But I think of the people it effected directly often. I think of all those yellow ribbons we all had in support of our troops and all of the American Flags we flew. It's rare to see any of those anymore. The war and the tragedy have subsided for many and we feel no need to show support anymore. So, in light of that, here are my prayers, my love, my admiration for you. I haven't forgotten and I wish you the best. All my love.

everyone has a blog

2008-09-11T11:17:00.000-06:00

Ha! So since a couple of my friends with families have blogs I thought I wanted one even though I have no one. That remains to be seen. But so is the life of a single gal in small town Montana. I will probably blog this as much as anything else, meaning I've had one before, but at least now the nosy nellies on MySpace will have to work at butting in to "ma buniess" as they say. J/K - but on a more serious note - does anyone know of any jobs available that don't have to do with morons? Because working for a divorce attorney is full of them.